DAY 98

Alright this is part 2 to the last blog. Please read that one first or you will be very confused.

2 years later, A messages me. He was finally ready to respond.

Here’s a summation of what it said:

My name had come up in conversation recently and he was thinking about me. He’d thought a lot of about what it would be like to run into me again, and how he would react. He had finally forgiven me, and was ready to let go of his anger from what I’d said. He acknowledged how unfair the whole situation was to me. He said he appreciated our relationship and he had learned a lot of things. He said married life was great. 

It was wild to me that he was angry about it still, in particular because I had apologized, and because it was literally the ONLY thing I did that wasn’t nice. I’d been understanding and just sad up until that point. I’d never been mean until that one, singular line of text I sent. And I honestly was mean BECAUSE he was being so harsh, which was super unlike him.

I responded. I just updated him on my life, how things had changed for me after my apology, and that I was thinking of moving back to Calgary. He didn’t respond back. I was fine with that. But I didn’t think it would be the last I’d hear from him. He was a classic zombie. Rising from the dead to check in.  

New Years Day.

“Happy new year! I hope all is well with you and that you're chasing your dreams, whatever they are.”

Not sure why he felt compelled to send this, but he just couldn’t resist, apparently.

“Lol I appreciate you thought to send that to me at 5:37 am. You as well.”

From then on, we just kept messaging. But he wasn’t satisfied with that. He wanted to have a phone call. So at 2 in the morning on a Saturday, A and I talk for 4 hours. We laughed, and reminisced. We told each other a lot of things. Too much, probably. A told me about some fucked up shit that happened to R. Things I will not repeat. But ultimately, he had said he missed me a lot. We really did have something special. And it was like we were back to normal again. Like no time had past. He felt like a best friend to me, and I could tell him anything. I was pretty elated. I didn’t know what any of it meant, but it was a big deal to feel like I could get some closure from the last 2 years, and reacquaint with an old friend.

We didn’t message too much, until finally, I was ready to move back to the city, that following September. The day I’d moved a portion of my stuff into my new apartment, A wanted to see me. Right away. He was close by. I was freaking. It'd had been so long, but he couldn't wait a second longer.

We hung out for 6 hours. Rehashing old memories, cracking jokes, hugging. It was a blast. But...

While it was the same old A, things were different. I didn’t feel the same way I thought I might feel. I thought that my feelings might come rushing back. But, they didn’t. I enjoyed his company and felt closer to him than ever. But the spark we used to have had disappeared. He seemed to lack some confidence, and looked like he'd aged 10 years. I wondered, confused... What if he picked me? In the ultimatum, instead of R? It would have been a huge mistake. He was right to pick her. My love wouldn’t have lasted. The rose coloured glasses were off, and what was left was just funny, dorky big guy.

A admitted that R and him were in an open marriage. I wasn’t surprised for a single second. How could R stay with one and only one guy, I wondered. I wasn’t judging her, but it was clearly not in her nature to be monogamous. But ESPECIALLY not in his. He liked a lot of other women. He was one of the biggest flirts I'd ever met. He could get women any time he went out. At least, he used to. I’d found out that him and my friend C had a flirtation as well. And R hated her too. No one could ever hate C, I’m telling you, if you do, you’re being fucking irrational. C is a queen in her own right.

Through A, I was able to reconnect with all of those other friends. I was worried that they hated me. I assumed they knew what nasty thing I said to A. But if they did hate me, they didn’t show it. Everyone was welcoming and kind. It was really nice to know that I wasn’t a complete right off to these really cool, awesome people. 

A and I hung out here and there. Mostly in groups. He would come to our ladies drinking nights as an honourary lady. But he was very clear with me, I wasn’t to share the fact that he hung out with me anywhere. Not on any social media. I liked to take videos everyday, but he would block out his face. Ironically, with a stuffed poop emoji, to which I would jokingly call him a shit head. A wanted to make sure our hang outs were a secret. He would get aggressive when discussing this, in this scary tone. But yet, he told me that R knew I was back in town and that she apparently knew he was hanging out with me. Now that I know better, I don’t actually believe she did. He did admit to lying to her often, so I wouldn’t put it past him not to lie to me too.

One day, we went for lunch. It was going well, and we were chatting. He was talking about R, and how she doesn’t spend any time with his group of friends. He explained that she doesn’t really like any of his friends. This surprised and disturbed me. Why? His friends are great. He started talking about a few women R hates. These are women I really do like. I was confused and bewildered. I asked a question that hit a nerve...

‍“Do you ever wonder why R hates so many people?” I think that’s what I asked. I don’t remember exactly how I worded it. But he got extremely defensive.

"I don't appreciate you talking about R like that." Or something to that effect. Imagine.. this subtext of growling.

“I just asked a question.. I didn’t insinuate she was a bitch or anything. You know her, I don’t. I’m just trying to get a better understanding.”

When he saw the fear in my eyes though, he seemed to catch himself. I got the impression that he has had to apologize for R a lot. A lot.

And he apologized for freaking out. He apologized profusely. It was like a little Hyde had ripped out of his Dr. Jeckyll. He said that that’s just what you do, as a husband. You defend your partner vehemently. I cringed at this. Really? So if your partner exhibits shitty behaviour, you defend it? I obviously didn't say that, but I thought it. I could see how hypocritical he was being when I’d brought up someone who is a lot like R. He enjoyed trash talking this stranger he’d met once that I was talking about, but couldn’t see the parallels in his own wife’s behaviour. And after watching him get defensive, I knew I couldn’t tell this man everything. The one off-limits topic is R. But I would let him vent to me about her. I would nod and shake my head appropriately, but I wouldn’t ask anymore questions, or bring her up on my own accord.

He brought her up more and more. He wasn’t happy. But he was. But he wasn’t. But he was. She didn’t want to have sex with him anymore. That’s why they were open. So he could sleep with other women.. And oddly enough, so she could sleep with other men (despite this shitty thing she'd been through which I won't be discussing here.) But the other women had to be distant, nobodies. People he felt nothing for.

But A wanted to explore a sexual relationship with me, regardless. I didn’t feel entirely comfortable with this. I thought I did, once. We ended up making out one night, very drunk, after my friends left my apartment. It was just the two of us and I don’t even know how it happened. I just blinked and we were horizontal. I let go of my feelings of doubt and uncertainty for the moment and gave in. We did not have sex. I thought at the time that I didn’t feel ready. He was going to be patient with me. He waited. And waited. He spent the night at my apartment another time, but I couldn’t bring myself to do anything with him. We never really made out again, but we pecked a few times. I admitted that my libido had felt broken for the last few months. It really did, and had nothing to do with him. And every time we hung out, my libido would not kick in. I thought there was something seriously wrong with me, but it turns out to have been a case of being unemployed. It kicked the crap out of my self-esteem.

But also because… well… It was over for me. I had my closure. I didn’t see this man romantically anymore. I wasn’t turned on by him anymore, and harsh as this is to admit, I did not find him attractive anymore.

I did spend a night at his house, when R was out of the country. I thought that there was a chance that I might feel differently, and maybe be ready for something sexual. It was fun, eating dinner, drinking, dancing around, watching movies and all this witty banter. But when we went to bed, I had this horrible dread. I didn’t want to sleep with him. I just knew at this point, there was no way. I didn’t need more time like I'd thought. I just couldn’t get involved with him. It deeply disturbed me to sleep in their bed. It felt gross, to me honestly, but I couldn't imagine any way out of this situation. What am I doing here? How did I let it get to this? I don’t want this. This felt so wrong to me and I had let it get so far. This wasn't me anymore. I don't sneak around for men against the wishes of other women. This feels gross, horrible, evil.

Nothing happened. I told him I wasn't feeling it still, and my libido was still dry as a desert. He never pressured for anything to happen. He understood. We never tried to spend the night again, thank god. I just liked hanging out. Friendship was all I wanted with him. Sex was never going to be on the table between us, ever again.

After that hang out, we both really distanced ourselves. Not sure if this is true or not, but A didn’t seem find me as interesting when he knew we weren’t going to fuck. And perhaps he was just matching me in pulling away. I don’t know. But shortly after that, I got closer to J (the guy in blog Day 10), so A and I spent less and less time together. He wished me luck with J, in a very genuine way. He was happy for me. 

The final incident happened months later. I went to a show with my friend L. I had met this guy K a few weeks ago, who was giving me and my friend VIP tickets to local music shows. We got there early and danced right at the front of the stage. K brought us free beers all night.

Out of the corner of my eye, I could see long black hair. She was standing with a guy and a girl.  It was R. Encountered. I was stunned. Did she see me? Does she know it’s me? I don’t know. I tried to act like I didn’t see her. If what A said was true, R doesn’t know anything. R doesn’t know we almost hooked up. She doesn’t know I slept in her bed. She doesn’t know how much we hung out or that we made out. A wouldn’t tell her. He openly admitted that he keeps secrets from her. He didn’t see a problem with that. I thought that sounded deeply toxic but, whatever.

She is there, and I avoid her gaze. I just be myself, dance around and have fun. It seemed like everything was going well for a while.

K, on stage with his experimental band, is playing. The lead singer decides to call out all the friends/girlfriends of the band members. And he when he gets to K, he says “And K’s friends, Fanny and L!”

I died then. She has to know now that I’m hear. I’ve been called out.  

Things go well for a while as they keep playing, but soon I felt like something was wrong. I could hear her and her friends talking. I didn’t actually hear the specifics, but I could feel the energy, and the tone of their voices. They were talking shit. About me.

I heard this. “She looks like such a fucking poser.” Lots of laughter.

I couldn’t be certain that it was about me... I just ignored it. I focused on the music and kept dancing. More snarks and comments. Just a heavy vibe that something bad was going to happen.

The three of them were no longer standing to my right. I let of a breath of relief. But then I felt a tap on my shoulder.

I turn around and looked right at R. She met my eyes. She said something, but I can’t remember what. I didn’t make it out. It sounded like she was being nice. But then, in an instant, I felt something cold and wet fall over my head.  

I was drenched. I stood there, eyes closed, trying to look. But when I wiped my eyes to look, she was gone. She and her friends had run out of the bar as fast as they could. L looks at me and her jaw drops.

“What just happened?!”

People all around us were looking at me. Waiting for me to react. L and I go to the washroom and I start paper toweling my face and hair. We were just stunned.

“I can’t believe that just happened.” 

I couldn’t stop laughing though. I just looked in the mirror and laughed. It was weird. I wasn’t even mad. I was just fully humoured. The person A had described R as was completely different from the person who had dumped water on my head. She gave a fuck about me. I bothered her. It weirdly felt… powerful.

It was just water. If she really wanted me to run home, she should have dumped pop or something sticky on my head.

K, who had been on stage playing jumped off the stage. He had witnessed the whole thing and was upset and worried for me. What was most bizarre about the whole incident was just how relaxed I was. I have seen so many scenes in shows and movies where people get something poured on their head and they don’t react. And I’m like “yep, didn’t react.” I didn’t feel the need to. I don’t know how to explain how not upset I was. It was like.. “Huh. You care about me that much?”

I dried myself off and just stayed until the end of the show. All these people approached me and asked me if I was okay. My hair was wet, but it wasn’t a big deal. I didn’t want to let her win by trying to ruin my night. I just kept laughing to myself. The bizarreness of the whole thing, and the fact that I had so deeply affected someone who didn’t know what she should really have been upset about. She had no fucking clue. If she did know, it probably would have been a beer bottle.

I texted A. I told him what happened and he was shocked. I was shocked that he was shocked. Did he not know his own wife? Did he not realize she was like that? Petty and immature? This woman is several years older than me by the way. I was 26 and she was 30, I think? Either way, I left a serious mark on her. She isn’t over it. If it’s true, and she knows nothing of what happened in the last few months, she is truly only pissed off that I existed in her presence. She had no reason to do what she did. She never once tried to get to know me, or understand what was actually going on. She just thought I was trying to steal her man. I was just trying to share her man with her. And only as a friend by that point. If she needed to direct her anger towards ANYONE, it’s fucking A.

I told more and more people about what R did. Some people were surprised. Some weren't. Some people said she was actually crazy. People had described her as a narcissist and a bully. This was all news to me. I didn't see A being with a person anyone would describe this way. And once it all clicked, I lost a lot of respect for A. I thought he was a good judge of character. I thought he was a good picker. He picked me, after all. I just didn’t expect A to have married someone who was actually crazy. He had talked her up to be just the most perfect woman, and he now described her as a bitter, angry person who doesn’t get along with most people and has a lot of issues. She has her small group of friends and that’s it. He described them as cool people, but based on what I experienced and heard, her friends were bullies too. They talked her into doing what she did to me. They laughed. If A thinks this behaviour is acceptable, he has bigger problems than I had originally thought.

A and I haven’t talked since. He hasn’t reached out to me, nor I him. I won’t be reaching out to him ever again. I’m truly over the situation, and the friendship we had just isn’t worth it. A chooses not to spend time with the group of friends anymore. I go to many events where he is invited but doesn’t show. He seems to have pulled completely out. I wouldn’t have a problem with it if he did come to events, but I don’t see him doing that. I'd heard here and there that A had a pretty gross reputation in the group of friends. Some people felt he had been pushy and put the moves on virtually all of the single women in the group, which has made a lot of people uncomfortable. I wonder if that has something to do with why R hates his group of friends. I just don't know, but either way, A seems to have ghosted all of his old friends.

I don’t really miss A. I mean, I miss who I thought A was. I had this crazy idea in my head that A was the one who got away. He's so far from that. He is aggressive, he lies to avoid conflict with his wife,  and he does things in secret that would really hurt her AND he doesn't see anything wrong with that... Anytime I got close to questioning his behaviour, he would puff up his chest and double down on his justification. He had no good reason to defend it, he just demanded that I respect his choice to keep her in the dark.

I had thought about what I would think or feel if A ever found this blog about him. I know he would be very pissed off. That I'd outed some of his secrets, despite keeping things fairly anonymous. But I no longer feel compelled to keep any of A's secrets. I'm keeping some of R's secrets, because they're not really mine to keep. But these secrets of As? They are mine. And if anyone really knows me, they know I don't keep secrets very well anyway. Are you surprised? :P

I'm no longer under A's spell, or fear for A's retaliation against me for not keeping them. A has used aggression to try to scare me out of supposedly ruining his life if I ever let social media know he was spending time with me. A can't just use scare tactics to make me think it'll all be my fault if his marriage blows up. It was NEVER my fault. None of their shit ever was. A was always going to do whatever A wanted, no matter how much it might hurt R. A needs take responsibility for that shit. It's on him to make better choices and be fucking honest. If you can't be honest with your fucking bae, what are you doing? Seriously.

I do take responsibility for getting close to A a second time. I take responsibility for making out with him and spending the night with him on multiple occasions, even though I did it through gritted teeth. I wasn't thinking about how it would hurt her, but I wouldn't have done it again, regardless of whether she ever found out or not. I don't know if it still would have led to R dumping water on my head had I not. It doesn't matter. It was definitely a wake up call that I needed to stay away. And honestly, I am actually thankful she did what she did, because I can't be sure I would have stayed away from him from then on otherwise. Who knows how much crazier it could have gotten.

Well that's the story of A. I'm certain I missed a lot of details, or screwed some up, but this is as best as I can remember. I get that polyamory is hard for people, but I don't understand why people think they can get the best out of it without hurting the other person when they just run around doing whatever the fuck they want. It's bizarre. Maybe... don't get married if you're not capable of monogamy? Or, you know... get a therapist?

I can't promise I won't ever be poly again. I might. But I will avoid the kinds of people who think it's cool to lie to their partners about you. It's just cheating at that point, and I am done with fucking cheaters. Maybe monogamy is just easier because it cuts out all the chaos of trying to fit all these personalities together. I have seen some people do right by poly, and I think it's really fucking rad that they did.

Or I could just keep doing what I'm doing now and avoid romantic partners altogether. Start a cat army. Maybe a hairless cat army since I'm allergic...