DAY 56

I did another thing on my fuck it list challenge. I went to a movie by myself. Now I know this doesn't sound like a big deal, and it shouldn't be, but most people don't really do this because they can't enjoy doing things by themselves. I did it once back in 2013, because I really wanted to see a horror movie but no one wanted to go with me. So I grew some ovaries and went alone. And while it started out okay, I ended up seeing a girl there who didn't like me. She was friends with a girl who I had a falling out with. So when I turned around and saw her, she flipped me the bird. This was within the first 10 minutes of sitting down. So I spent the rest of the movie feeling deeply uncomfortable that someone was there who didn't like me and wanted me to feel like shit. It's scared me out of going ever since. And I've always justified not going by deciding that I could just as easily watch a movie alone at home so why bother? But what if I reeeeally want to see a movie and theatres and no one can go? I'm just going to wait because no one else can do it? That's stupid. I can go alone. Fuck it. Be fearless. Literally no one cares.

Before I grabbed my ticket, I was approached by a group of like 6 guys in the entrance to the movie theatre. One said “Hey, I was wondering if you could rate us?” I blinked and said “How old are you guys?” He said. “18.” I scoffed with laughter and said “I’m not going to do that, that’s ridiculous.” And I walked away. I didn’t explain any further, I just left. They all looked super embarrassed by my response. One of them yelled something but I couldn’t make out what he said. I’m sure it was mean. Whatever. I had to walk by them again and they didn’t bother me. It was a really cool moment of fearlessness. I also had an awkward interaction with the girl at the ticket ripping spot. She said the movie I was going to see was good, and when I went on to talk about how I heard the same, she looked a bit embarrassed and did not want to talk to me anymore. I would later find out why.

I went to see Mortal Engines. And uh… It was bad. I tried really hard to like it, but some scenes just had some really piss poor dialogue and acting. It was cringy. The narrative just got more and more confusing and I felt like I wasn’t following, or getting the gravity of the conflict. I just… Couldn’t be bothered to care about the characters. I actually left the theatre about 20 minutes before the end because I was just so done. I started looking on my phone for movie reviews, and when I saw the 27% rating on Rotten Tomatoes, I started to feel like this movie was just wasting my time. So I think the lady at the ticket ripping station was embarrassed because she lied to me about it being good.

But being that I was alone, it was kinda cool to be able to just leave, rather than wait painfully for the movie to end with someone who may or may not have wanted to finish it. I noticed that there were a lot of middle aged men there who were also alone. I wonder if that’s just a natural result of getting older. You just stop needing people to do things with, you buck up, and you do the shit you wanna do without feeling anxiety and embarrassment. I still shared my opinion about the movie in a group chat. I still needed to rant. I guess I could have just done it here, in my blog that I don’t think anyone reads. Oh well.

I'd like to do more things like this alone that one would normally do in a group. Like dates with myself. Treat yo self. I do love to go shopping alone, and actually prefer it to going with people. I am a very slow decision maker so I find that going with people makes me feel like I need to rush. What other things can you do on a solo date? I guess anything. I've never tried going to a fancy restaurant alone. I've gone to fast food restaurants alone. I have never gone to a concert alone. I'm gonna do it. Push myself to do something that scares most people. Exposure therapy. And again, if it’s too weird and I hate it, I can just leave without having to ditch someone or force them to leave with me because they can’t stand to be alone. I have a picture hanging in my room that says "be bold and brave." Just do the thing. One day when I'm an old lady, I'd probably do it anyway cause I'd have given up on caring what people think. I wanna get there now. My Wartortle evolution, give no fucks.

My parents came to see my new apartment today, finally. My mom saw my little crochet snowman and she wanted him. I thought that was so cute of her. I gave it to her because she birthed me, and also because I want to start giving my parents gifts and money. I don't want to ask them for anything ever again. I want to pay them back for all the things that I have failed to pay them back for. They deserve it.

There is one last bit of relevant blog news. I’ve saved it for the bottom because I’m REALLY hoping that certain people don’t read this because it exposes my crush on someone that I'm not supposed to like... He's in a group of my friends. Seeing as I'm doing this challenge, it's not going to be something I explore or do anything about, obviously. But I can't help that the crush is there.