DAY 58

Christmas is almost here. Christmas was always a time of year where being single always felt the worst. This time, it doesn’t, because of the deliberateness of not giving a shit. Last year, I went on the cutest winter dates. I went out with this one guy, C, I’ll call him. He was this grungy bearded husky guy. My friend O would have loved him. Tattooed, a photographer. I liked him, but I was also polyamorous and my boyfriend was long distance. C just couldn’t penetrate my fear of hurting my then boyfriend, who is also C… Shit. Okay, I’ll refer to the new date boy as Husky Beard. One of our dates, we did a photoshoot. He is a really good photographer, but I didn’t really like my photos. I don’t think I’m a very good model when I can’t look at myself and how I’m posing. I have so many bad angles. Anyway, Husky Beard was just really great all around. We talked for hours and hours and agreed on super important values, like feminism, and the #metoo movement, and he was just super respectful, smart, funny. He asked me if he could kiss me, and I said yes, and it was VERY good. He took me to this really cool restaurant where we had delicious ramen, and just held hands, walking in the snow. I feel bad that I ghosted him. But I wasn’t ready for a guy like him.

I wanted to have sex with him, really bad, but I couldn’t bring myself to. Like every date up until the last date was so good, but the last date, I was just really closed off. He tried to be cute with me but I was pulling away. I don’t even know why because I was literally horn dogging for him the day before. I felt so bad for C that I let it take over my mind. C was MARRIED, IS still married, like I shouldn’t have cared so much. I think in my heart of hearts, I’m actually a monogamous person. But no one has ever wanted to be monogamous with me. No one. Husky beard might have though, if I’d given him more time. If I’d given myself more time with him. I’m actually sad I fucked that up. My girlfriend found him on Hinge and I told her to go for him, that she would really like him, but she felt he’s too short for her. I used to think short guys were a dealbreaker… It’s not, for me at least. Especially with a guy as cool and fun as he was. I’m actually pissed at myself over this one, you guys. Husky beard could have been the one. He sent me a really sweet, honest last message about how it wasn’t going to work out, but it was just him not wanting to ghost me, and end things clean. He could tell I wasn’t really ready for what he had to offer. When I started my new job and was walking home, we used to walk past each other. The first time it happened, I was so flustered. I made sure to wear sunglasses once I realized we would have to pass each other so I could avoid awkward eye contact. Maybe, October 22nd, 2019, if Husky Beard is still on dating apps, I can snag him again, apologize profusely and see what that mouth do... :D 

I also went on some pretty cute dates with this other guy, P. P was tall, dorky, smart, funny… So many of my weaknesses. Also, ginger. Also, amazing kisser. We went on 9 dates. 9 FUCKING DATES! And we still didn’t have sex. What was wrong with me?! This guy didn’t work out because my friends weren’t super getting along with him. They felt he was a bit condescending, and he was mansplaining. He did. A lot. He mansplained to me about atheism. That drove me nuts because hey, dude, I know. I’ve been an atheist since birth. When I described him to one of my besties, she said he sounded like her ex-husband and the illusion shattered. I couldn’t imagine dating someone who was just like her ex-husband. But he wasn’t, not that much. He was a responsible adult. I do feel bad about him though. I think that if I had told him some of the things he was doing that were ruining it for me, he would have taken the criticism super well. We had some awesome dates, like going to a poetry reading, a poetry slam, this fancy restaurant, the art gallery. He was a lot of fun. I just never gave him another chance because I was still trying to figure out my relationship with C. It was shortly after that that I broke up with him and decided to be alone for a while. Then J came along, and you know that story (Read Day 10 if you want a refresh).

I really enjoyed those two guys while they lasted. It’s a relief to remember the good ones. Even mansplainer, with his faults was actually a pretty good guy. I ended both of those in my own screwed up way. I was in a weird spot back then, because I was unemployed. My self-esteem was shot. I think I used those guys to help me cope with my loneliness and worthlessness. They were better off without me. C was better off without me. I was just dragging him down because I was kinda using him as a punching bag for my anger and pain. I wasn’t very pleasant with him towards the end, and he was always so nice to me.

Right before J, there was one last guy. He didn’t make it past date number one and for good reason but I love the story. He was a mansplainer too. I could tell right away that this guy was looking for a fuck buddy, and not something serious. I had a lot to drink on our date. He picked a pub that was close to his apartment. How convenient. I wasn’t going to go over to his place after the date, but he convinced me because he has a hairless cat and well… Hairless cat. Before we went to his apartment, we stopped at McDs. He saw the resident homeless man walking with crutches. I can’t be sure the dude is homeless, but there is a reddit post about him. He was walking his very slow walk down the street and my date thought it would be a good idea to give the guy some burgers. The man on crutches was like “no, thanks, but I’m good.” He said “no, please, take this food.” He put it in the man’s backpack. It was awkward. I had to wonder if my date was just trying to look like a good person in front of me. Anyway, so, hairless cat. I come over and meet the strangest alien I’ve ever met and I loved her immediately. She was wearing a pink vest. My heart exploded. We smoke some pot, I pet his pussy, we watch the Office. It gets weird. We make out a bit but it’s not good and I’m like trying to focus on his cute ass cat instead. He gets up to go to the washroom, and drops this weird line. “This girl is moving into my apartment next week… You know, I’ve never had sex in that room before. It would be kinda cool to do it before she moves in.” I just laughed, said “wow,” and kept watching the Office. I left shortly after that. We did not talk to each other again. He almost lent me a book but I’m glad I didn’t take it because I wouldn’t have wanted to return it. The funny part is, his apartment is right behind my new workplace, and I’ve seen the hairless cat in the window. I still love her.

With my family doing Christmas early this year, I’m going to try to spend Christmas Day with one of the greats, My M. M is one of my best friends. She just feels like a sister. I have spent the last 5 Christmas holidays finding a way to spend it with her, if not on Christmas day, near it. We call it orphan Christmas, even though I’m not really an orphan. That’s all I want for Christmas. To be around friends. My family isn’t bad, but I don’t feel like I can be my full self around them. My full self being sloppy, sweary, and high.

I also have a mushroom day planned with some other girlfriends closer to New Years. I cannot wait. Best present ever, really. A true vacation. I also won 4 bottles of wine at work. My luck is really turning up. Now I just need $20,000 in my bank account and my life will be put right.

Well Happy Holidays, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, Jesus’s fake ass birthday, Winter Solstice, whatever you to to ring in the end of fall and a new year, do it right.