DAY 116

So, update on the message I wrote to the hot bearded guy... I had B send it for me on the 13th before Valentine’s day through Facebook because I couldn’t bring myself to hit send. She sent it and I freaked for a full 24 hours. It felt good to have it out there but then I realized, he might not even be able to read it because we aren’t Facebook friends and he might not get a notification. The message stayed unopened and unread. This was anxiety inducing for me. I just kept checking. Did he accept? Did he read it? I know you can read a message without accepting it. Feck.  

Then I looked through my phone and found that I still had his phone number. At least, I thought I did because it was only his first name and every other guy with the same name had a last name too. I wrote out another small message bringing up the Facebook message and hoping he would read it. I sent it last night, on Valentine’s Day and then went out with B and waited. Nothing. Just no response.

When I woke up today, there was still nothing. I just felt like it wasn’t going to happen. Maybe his phone number changed? I don’t know. But no response is a response in itself, you know? Being ignored is someone choosing not to even deal with you. It’s never gonna happen.

But then… He texted me right at lunch today.

Hey Fanny. I got your message on Facebook. Thanks for the nice words. I am in a happy fulfilling relationship. Hope you find what you’re looking for!

I just sat with it. I didn’t respond right away. Just let myself feel the feelings. It was disappointing. But also… Relieving. Like I could let go of this one little thing that was holding me back.

Thanks for responding. That doesn’t surprise me at all. I’m happy for you. Aaaand I’m gonna delete your number now (sweating smiling emoji).

But it’s more disappointing than relieving right now. I’m bummed because it’s sort of reminded me that I’m alone still. And that other people aren’t. Other people have support, and love. And I don’t. Other people get to feel needed and wanted and desired. But not me. Why not me? I think a huge part of this challenge is flipping the switch on how I perceive being single. Like I’m choosing to be alone. Like aloneness didn’t choose me, I chose it. But today it feels like it’s choosing me and it sucks. Being alone is something that is happening to me, and I have basically gone through all the stages of grief in order to deal with that before I started this challenge. When I started, I felt I was in acceptance, but today, I feel like I’m back to depression.

It confuses me how like 90% of the people in my office are in relationships. 70% of my friends are in relationships. How are people able to get to that stage, like honestly? How does that happen for people? I feel like I put in so much work last year trying to find love, and it left me feeling so dejected. I don’t even understand how love is a thing that comes so easily for others. Am I too picky? Are others not picky enough? Why can’t I let people in at the right time? He was there then. He wanted me then. But then, I didn’t want him. I really pushed him away on my own accord. And as bad as I felt for doing it, I couldn’t deal with the kind of thing he wanted at the time. It was silly to think that now that I’m ready, he was just gonna be available for me again. Not that I really thought that but I had hoped. And that little amount of hope was enough to get me way too excited.

It’s just.. Bleh. I’ll get over it. I just felt like I was very vulnerable there and I let my mind wander on the possibilities, and I shouldn’t have done that. That is entirely on me. I should have thought more realistically about what the odds were. They were poor for me to begin with. Really amazing guys don’t stay single for very long. But maybe this is a way for him to know that if his relationship fails, that he could reach out and give me another chance, if he didn’t find my message creepy.. I don’t know. I really hope not.

It also doesn’t help that I’m going through a hangxiety right now. I got very wasted last night and well.. That’s a whole story, which I will tell in a different blog.

Anyway, I’m starting to feel a little better. I think it was good to eliminate him entirely as a possibility now. I wasn’t going to stop thinking about him until I said something, right? Now I can be reset in a way. Go back to focussing on me and keep committing to my singleness. I’m glad I didn’t end up completely failing this challenge so early on.

I can’t even explain what compelled me to do this. It was weird. I’m glad it’s over. I think I let Youtuber astrology videos influence me a little too much. I think it’s fun to take their advice, but also, it’s not based on a true understanding of me as a person or the context of all the people they insinuate when they talk about a “taurus” or an “earth sign.” It’s fairly generalized and that’s why it feels like it’s speaking to you. The one video I watched told me basically that I was going to connect with my soulmate this month. This person was going to be a perfect match for me and was going to adore me and let me in. Clearly… bullshit haha. But it was fun to feel like it was giving me a direction. I don’t regret doing it, I just feel kinda silly that I let it overwhelm me for so many days.

I think I need to actually get some therapy. I can’t really afford it outside of the $500 benefits my work provides, but I think it’s worth giving it a shot. The fact that I had this anxiety over the opinion of one person who hasn’t touched my life in such a long time is pretty wild. I can’t let my anxiety take me out for a few days like that. I need to remember that whatever the outcome, everything is going to be fine. Telling someone you like them isn’t going to set off the apocalypse. And it wasn’t all for nothing because ultimately, I realized what I really want in a man, and it looks a lot like someone like him.

This blog is kind of like therapy for me. I don’t have to hold on to things, I can just spew them all out here and set them free into the internet. But it brings up some many old emotions too. It’s gotten me to remember things that I’d long forgotten and fire up old hurts. But also, push me to think about them as the person I am today, who’s learned so much more since and able to re-evaluate the behaviours I and others displayed so as to avoid making the same mistakes. It can’t be a bad thing, but it can sometimes take a toll on me for a few days afterward. Is that what therapy is going to do? I'm sure it's more about reflecting on yourself from someone else's perspective. True therapy would be more effective than just having a blog. Then someone can calm me down when I'm freaking out over something that is seriously not a big deal. 

Oh well. Tomorrow is a new day and I’ll feel better about all this then. And every day after that, and soon I won’t even care again. But I'm glad I did it. It was brave.