DAY 175

It’s been a few days since I got back from Mexico. Back at work now and it’s weird but not necessarily in a bad way, just taking time settling back in mentally. I had a dream last night that I was in a beauty pageant against all my female coworkers, and I got literally dead last. I was expecting, for some reason, to be in the top 5, because I had worked really hard on my outfit, makeup and hair, and it turns out that literally no one voted for me. And I was bothered because being in the top 5 meant I could do my performance, so without getting in it, the performance wouldn’t happen. I was so hurt and annoyed that I walked around in a sexy one piece bathing suit in front of everyone, like “y’all were wrong.” It was weird. I think the reason I had this dream was because I went to a drag show this weekend where I could tell, really obviously, who the crowd liked most, and who the crowd liked the least based on who got the most money. And in the dream, I feared that if I ever got up on stage to perform, that no one would enjoy my performance and no one would tip me. I know that’s not true because my friends, anyone who I would invite, probably would, cause I would tell them to! Haha… But this fear that I may not be accepted in the drag world, like what if people are like “who does this bitch think she is? She’s pathetic compared to the real queens.”

I know it’s about reputation too. If you’re new, people are going to be skeptical, and question your abilities until you can prove to them you’re good enough for their money and attention. So I guess I just have to prove to everyone who isn’t my friend that I am worthy of that space. I don’t want pity tips either. I saw some people give pity tips to those they didn’t enjoy as much. I know it’s an inclusive space but it’s also a space where you will be judged. Everyone’s eyes are on you, and the goal is to be entertaining. I’ve definitely watched queens and kings and thought “God, are you even trying?” I am a harsh critic, especially because I used to compete in dance competitions and expected to be judged. And when you have that expectation, you want to be better than everyone else in your category. You just do. It’s not just about fun, it’s about being impressive and talented. And you admire and cheer and pay the best ones, not the ones that you feel bad for. So I do appreciate that people get on stage and try, that takes bravery, and I 100% respect it. But I also can’t let go of the fact that being on stage means you should be exciting, interesting, funny, clever, beautiful/striking, and powerful. If you’re not an amazing dancer, you should at least have a fucking cool gimmick, or something really pretty to look at. You should strip to cool reveals, you should have good face. These are expected by society at large because our entire lives have revolved around entertainment.

I’m not saying that people who are boring shouldn’t be allowed on stage. It’s fine, they are allowed. But when it comes to me, I refuse to be boring. I want to kill it. I want people to cheer and scream from something shocking, funny, crazy... That’s what makes a performance memorable. I will always remember the crazy sermon performance I saw at Shock Therapy drag. That was fucking killer. I loved it. I want to make people remember me. The dream just played on some insecurities that come from wondering if I will bore people to tears and they won’t want to see me on stage again. They’ll be like “fuck, is it over yet?” No. I want them to be on their edge of their seats, all eyes on me, waiting for me to do something wild.

I am preparing for my “All by myself” performance. I’m crocheting a telephone. At least that way, I can eventually like throw it, cause then it won’t crash and break haha. I feel like crocheted objects would work really well as props in performances. Maybe I can crochet a fake guitar. That would take ages… But it would be SOO cool. Maybe a tiny violin. Oh. My. God. 

I have the perfect dress too. I just need a wig, get my makeup down, and actually practice. And then, it’s just picking a date and going for the balls. I’m not sure if my friend B, who wants to do drag too, will be ready when I’m ready. I’m hoping we can do our first night together. We’ll see! I have a wig in mind but I’m just not sure I’m ready to order it. I’m think a nice purple wig, but I am not sure if that’s the colour I want yet. I want red too but red is a really popular wig colour and the nicest red is always sold out. I am looking at a red one with bangs too. Ugh. I want 1000 wigs. One in every colour. I found a site that has nicely priced ones that you can actually use heat on and curl/straighten without having to spend $150. I need the wig glue and remover too. Being a drag queen is not cheap!

I’m still craving dating apps. It’s weird just how bad the craving is. I need to resist. Especially since I know how disappointing they can be and just how much work it feels like it is just to get to a date with a decent one. Bleeh. There is someone I currently have a crush on that I met in person (I don’t want to say how in case it gives it away) and like... It’s the type of person I would wait 6 more months for. In my mind, I’m like… Why would I blow this crush by trying to date mediocre tinder dudes, or hinge, when I could work behind the scenes to make this one dude fall for me. I don’t know HOW I’m gonna do that, but like... I think I got skills. He makes me so fucking nervous though, dude. He’s hard to read, because he’s kinda flirty with not just me. Feck. So it makes it hard to know if he’s interested. I don’t know. I wouldn’t try to explore a sexual relationship without attachments with him because based on what I know about myself and him already... I guaranteed will fall in love. He’s beardy and tall and goofy. And he thinks drag queens are fucking awesome. Not in just a trendy way, but like, he’s been to many a drag show long before he’s met me. I’m dead.