DAY 120

I have a lot of things to talk about in this blog, but let’s start with Valentine’s Day. I went with my friend B to this shitty bar for a stoplight party. You’re supposed to wear green if you’re single, yellow if you’re a maybe and red if you’re taken. I was going to wear both yellow and green but my yellow pants ended up getting covered in sweat stains because I literally sent the message to the hot bearded guy beforehand and I was panicking. And my crotch sweat made a bizarre appearance I didn’t even know was possible, literally the shape of a V!!! Like my vagina is leaking stress and excitement. So if you read the last post, you know that he never replied all night, and I used this event to distract myself from all the emotions screaming inside of me.

We drank a full bottle of wine and went to this bar, which I’d forgotten I’d been to years ago. I’d definitely been there with A, my ex. I missed dating a guy who liked to dance... that’s the best. Anyway! We get there and it’s full of women. The men are not talking to any women though. They are standing in this almost voyeuristic way watching the dance floor. Me and B, tanked, just immediately start dancing like drag queens and commanding the dance floor with our obnoxiousness. This lasts for a while but then, B notices something I couldn’t have picked up on. The dudes here aren’t even straight. They’re talking to each other because they wanna be. She says she can tell they’re closeted gays. I look at them and it all makes sense. There’s maybe two really awkward dudes talking to women and otherwise it’s just like there’s a giant wall between all the men and the women.

So we decide to go to the gay bar. Rather be surrounded by out gays than closeted ones. We get there and it’s dead, but it starts to fill up slowly. B’s friend J shows up. I’m bored and tired because there’s not really any dancing going on. I go to put all my winter gear on and make the trek home when B says the strip show is starting. I decide to stay for that and then I’ll go. The drag queens are calling for dancers. It’s amateur and if you win, you get $150. Nobody seems to want to do it except one guy. They need 4 people. B and J proceed to tell me I should go up. I stand there. I want to. But it’s stripping! I can’t strip... In front of all these people... Except that... maybe I can. After all, I want to become a bio queen and I’m fairly comfortable with my body. With another little kick in the pants, I give in. 3 men and me. I’m still bundled up for -30 degree weather, too.

I’m going last. Each guy goes up and dances. The first guy is good. The second two were meh. And me.. I only have two minutes and the rule is you can only go down to underwear, not full nude which thank god, because I wouldn’t be able to go that far. I whip off my coat, whip off my scarf and take it off. I do it all very fast and then realize I’m supposed to dance. I’m not sure if I’m good. I’m actually trying to be awkward. I don’t know what I’m doing but it’s happening. I get down to my bra and pants but the song ends. 2 minutes is fast!

The results... 2nd place! I didn’t win the money but I managed to make $10, ha! It was really fun and scary and exciting. I do love to be centre of attention sometimes. I took the BDSM quiz and found out I’m 99% a switch. I think I’m fully a switch in all aspects of life. I can be a very shy, quiet person and I can switch and become a loud, abrasive, dancey attention whore. Someone used the word duality. I've done the Meyers Briggs more than once and gotten extrovert and introvert back to back. Ambivert is the correct term.

It’s powerful to feel like, despite some things being out of my control, like how people feel about me, I can take control of how I feel about myself. And I have never felt better after stripping. I’m not sure I’ll do it again, but I might! It’s every Thursday! I’d wanna win next time! But it's obviously not the most socially acceptable thing to do... I remember finding out a friend of my stripped at a bar when we were 21 and it really shocked me, and I was judgey at the time, but now I'm like "wow, I'm finally on her level!"

What else is new... I’m over the bearded guy’s rejection. There are plenty of other bearded guys in the city, and many non-bearded guys can be made into bearded ones, if you ask politely.

I’ve already encountered a new bearded guy who I’m not sure about, but intrigued by, through a friend, and got a message from the band lead singer from a couple of blogs ago. That was unexpected. It was just over Instagram. He asked about the art in the back of an photo I posted but then the conversation went sideways when I made a dirty joke, and it’s clear he didn’t wanna keep talking. Oh well, he doesn’t have a beard so.. whatever. Whatever.....

I’m also going to a kinky meetup tonight. Not sure how it’s gonna go but I am intrigued to find out if there’s anyone who peaks my interest. I know it seems like I’m trying to find a guy right now, but I’m not, really. I’m just curious by all the interesting encounters that happen when you put yourself out there, and actually leave the house. I feel like a new friend can be around any corner if you try hard enough. I am obviously only offering friendship at the moment but that doesn’t mean I can’t turn that friendship into something more eventually, when this is over. All my previous exes started out as friends first (some shorter friendships than others) but I feel like friendship is the foundation of a good relationship. I put this on my profile on Fetlife and immediately got multiple messages from guys who "really respect" my decision and are hoping to be a play partner with me when I'm done. Are you kidding? You completely don't respect me at all if you think that's how it's gonna work. I'm not doing this so I can turn myself into a soaking horn dog, like fuck. I'm doing this because I don't NEED your stupid dick, and if you like me, put in some real god forsaken work in. Be a friend. Get to know me. Bleeeh. Go to events, learn the kink world, don't waste my time.

I took the BDSM test and these are my results:

99% Brat

99% Switch

97% Vanilla

83% Boy/Girl

73% Non-monogamist

66% Ageplayer

65% Primal (Prey)

64% Submissive

54% Voyeur

52% Master/Mistress

51% Owner

49% Exhibitionist

49% Dominant

44% Degrader

43% Experimentalist

42% Daddy/Mommy

39% Slave

39% Rigger

37% Rope bunny

29% Brat tamer

24% Primal (Hunter)

24% Degradee

12% Masochist

4% Pet

1% Sadist

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I could get in to what all these things mean for me, but I'm feeling more comfortable saving that information for.. not the internet haha.

I am curious about rope play for sure. It feels like something I can explore now, because it's not really a way to break any of my rules, so it's fine. I don't even know if I'll like it, to be honest, but you never know until you try!

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Update:

The munch was awesome! I met some really cool people who are all so very different. I liked learning about their stories and what they’re wanting to get out of the community. I think I’d like to go to more events and get to know more people, maybe a rope event. And I’d be curious to go to a play party and just watch. A lot of very intriguing people. Some pretty attractive ones too. But I'm keeping my guard up and I want to make it clear that I'm not exactly available. If they read my fet profile, they'll know.