DAY 100

It’s day 100! I made it! 100 days of being single and not looking. Or maybe, not seeking. It’s impossible not to look. I haven’t broken a single one of my rules yet. It really wasn’t that hard. It’s not like anyone is actually chasing me. I just need to shut my seeker off. Switch positions on my quidditch team from seeker to beater. Or keeper? Yes. Keeper sounds ideal. Be like Oliver Wood... Keep the goals out of the holes. But again, like no one is trying to throw quaffles at my hoops. I’ve had a bludger or two smack me up... This is a horrible metaphor, I’m sorry for putting you through that.

For January, I did a dry month. And as great as it’s been to have more energy, feel less drained, have better sleep... I’d like to go back to drinking. Not nearly as much, but just a little bit. Maybe limit myself to like 4 drinks a week, max. Except for maybe valentine’s day...

For February... I still want to do a challenge of some kind... And I know this isn’t much of a challenge because it’s totally going to be fun, but I was thinking maybe I could send anti-valentine’s day love letters to some of my single friends as a surprise. Unless they are reading this in which case, no, I’m not doing that, this is a joke, dude. But I just wanna make my single friends feel special, cause Valentine’s Day, despite being such a bullshit day for so many couples who are like “valentine’s day sucks for us too, you guys” but for single people, it can be a reminder that no one is in love with you. Like people love you but like... No one is eating that puss. I’m spending the 13th with lady friends for Galentine’s day, but sure as shit won’t be doing anything for the 14th except probably eating an edible and watching Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind for the 70th time with a head of cauliflower in hand. So to spread my friendship love about, I’m slathering my gross ass friendship love into a surprise card in the mail. Again, if you’re one of my single friends, this is a joke. I’m not actually sending you anything. EXPECT NOTHING!

I’d also like to write some anonymous love letters to strangers and leave them in books. I’d make sure to pick books that I know only cool people would pick up/buy. I did this a few years ago but kept forgetting to leave the letters anywhere, and so they stayed in my purse until the envelopes looked terrible, so I ended up throwing them out. I need to do better. Maybe put them all out at the same time, not slowly when I find an opportunity. Take a whole day for it. I had thought to put them in like all these weird little places in public but I don’t want them to get ruined either. I want them safe, so books it is. Hopefully they’re not books that get tossed in the trash. That would be sad. I heard Chapters or some other corporate giant store tossed unsold books in the dumpster, which is just criminal. But it was probably only one store, not the entire franchise... I hope. But if it ends up in a landfill, I guess I will never know to be able to cry about it...

To celebrate 100 days of self-commitment, I’ve had a second helping of ice cream at work today because I didn’t eat lunch... And because pleasure. 100 days devoid of romantic pleasure deserves some sort of alternative.

I’ve started to think that my crush either doesn’t like me back, or is talking to someone else. I dunno. I have tried to chat a bit more with little return. I had thought that I could try to establish this friendship bond first, you know? But men don’t honestly seem to want to be friends me, as stated previously in an old blog. A few old blogs. I’ve been observing the true friendship bonds between men and women lately.. Okay, ONE friendship, and what makes them such good friends is that neither of them appear to find each other sexually attractive, and they both enjoy doing the same things, like.. Drinking, and partying. I wonder if I shared more similar interests with a guy, that we would just naturally bond as friends. But all my major interests are pretty… isolating? I’m artsy, I like crocheting... I don’t really like doing those things in social settings. I don’t like sports, I don’t work out, and I don’t really leave my house except to party, which none of my guy friends really do. Except the gay ones. *whiny Scott Pilgrim voice.* It’s haaard!

I did go to a Youtuber meetup in my city, and met a few new people. Mainly chatted with these two guys and it went pretty well. One seemed highly interested in me and we were making fun of the dog paintings in the cafe, because they were atrocious. It was super fun and we connected on instagram. But I didn’t get this sense that he would have wanted to be just friends. He was really looking at me. You know, when they look at you and you’re like “he doesn’t want to look away...” I don’t know him enough to know if there is potential there but he doesn’t fit my criteria for who I typically find attractive. But he wasn’t bad looking by any means. My friend B says that you always wanna be hotter than your partner. I hate to say it but it’s not bad advice. If a guy is really hot, he’s gonna feel like he’s settling with you. Go for a less hot guy, and then YOU’RE the settler and he’ll feel like he won the jackpot with you. Okay, that is just horrible sounding. But like, that’s sort of how some men’s brains work. And really hot guys tend to be fuck boys who can go around getting tail from women far more stunning than I. I’d need an ugly/average boyfriend.

I do think I’m hotter than my crush. But only on a good day. But again, my crush may not be into me or even available by the time this whole challenge is over, so fuck it. Move on, Fanny. It’s just a crush you are literally going to do nothing about. For. Get. It.

My massage therapist told me she was arrested for murder. While she was massaging me. It was wild. I just laid there like “um... you obviously didn’t do it?” She had apparently cut down the body of a girl who had hung herself, which apparently you’re not supposed to do. So I don’t blame her, I might have considered the same, but I also can’t imagine myself touching a dead body, either. Depends on the person though. If it were someone I loved, I would do it in a heartbeat. She had also hung herself on their balcony, so would you really want to see a body hanging from your own balcony while waiting for the police? Doubt it. No one would want to do that.

The both of us are into true crime a ton, and we always talk about it, so it was sort of fitting to our regular conversations. It was just such a wild thing to say, but I did ask because she mentioned being arrested 10 years before. But for all things… MURDER. Insane. Such a wild story.

Anyway. That’s all that is new right now. Only 265 days left until I can start dating again. I have a lot more shit to do until then. Thanks for keeping up this far!