DAY 125

I burst into angry tears today. Someone drove me out of my lane and then slammed their brakes in front of me, after I honked at them. I screamed so loudly in anger and hatred that I started violently crying. That’s never happened to me before. It was so awful. I can’t believe it happened. It was a huge truck with, obviously, a trash bag of a man in it.

All I could think of was how badly I need to go kickboxing and take out my anger. I haven’t had the chance to do that yet but I want to this week sometime. I feel like I just have a major build up of anger and I don’t know what to do with it. I feel like I’m always being so nice, and pleasant, and fun, and silly... I never express some of my truer, more unpleasant emotions. It’s one of those emotions that makes me feel so alone. Kickboxing is probably exactly what I need. A safe outlet for when the world feels so incredibly judgmental, disgusting, unfair, cruel... There’s some truly awful people in this world and they get to get away with their trashbag personalities and never fucking grow. I forget that these people exist sometimes because I keep myself in a safe bubble. I go from work, to home, to my friends’ places, and to gay bars and LGBT+ friendly spaces and forget that there are people who all sheltering themselves from it all because that shit scares them. My Uber driver last night wanted to talk about the gay bar I went to because he just couldn’t imagine anyone straight being allowed to go there, and he couldn’t imagine himself ever going because it would make him feel weird and uncomfortable. I wasn’t interested in telling this guy that he’s a homophobe and dishing out some real honesty because well... ratings right? But it was like “omg, get out of your bubble!” There is obviously some cultural things there that was keeping him from feeling like it was okay, but it just makes me so angry that there’s still this stigma and that it even fucking bothers anyone. I just saw a post about a guy who wore a tuxedo dress to the Oscars and all these people are calling him a whacko and a nut job, and laughing and I’m like... I hate all of you. You are all broken. You have all got fucking bullshit hang ups about gender and you are the one who needs to evolve and grow up. I just want to live in a world where a man can wear a dress and no one  cares, except about how hot the fashion is. Who cares if a man is wearing it?! People are so homophobic and broken because of the patriarchy we live in and it makes me honesty hate men sometimes, because their dicks shrivel at the thought of doing anything that isn’t conventionally “masculine.” And while it’s not their faults for being raised that way, it’s just frustrating that they never question any of the bullshit rules we live by. The few men that do are the only safe people I choose to be around. Anyone else, I avoid or try to keep my mouth shut because I will destroy them.

I found out that my nephew has been getting yelled at by my sister’s boyfriend and she’s considering leaving him, even though they are engaged. It’s just... wild. I want to protect my nephew from toxic masculinity. I hate that yelling is being used as a punishment, because it’s literally just adults having their own fucking temper tantrums. You’re all reduced to children at that point and no one is gonna fucking listen to you when you yell. I haven’t felt great about her boyfriend/fiancée ever since I checked out his Facebook and it’s full of toxic masculinity posts like threatening any future boyfriends of his daughters that he has guns. It comes from a place of ownership, and a lack of trust of your child, who needs to learn and make her own mistakes. I hate that so much. I can’t stand it. I also just hate guns in general. It really bothers me that my nephew has learned to love shooting guns as a hobby from a toxic man. This is why I avoid my family. I’m the total black sheep. The black sheep can literally be translated to “can see through the rest of the family’s bullshit.”

And now I’m sitting here watching my nephew play a violent game where he murders everyone and I lost it. I told him this game is trash and it’s horrible. Maybe I’m just an overly empathetic person or that I’ve never been a boy, but I don’t get it. I don’t get being a piece of shit, even in a video game. I felt so fucking awful trying to be mean in Fable, I had to go back to being nice cause it upset me and made me feel so bad. I get that it’s just a game, and boys do this sort of shit because it’s just a game, but I don’t like watching my nephew laugh maniacally as he kills a woman in a video game that is clearly meant for someone whose 18+ and mature enough to understand that violence is really fucking wrong, not 12 fucking years old. His kid brain doesn’t know much of anything yet, he shouldn’t be allowed to have any access to a game like that. It’s so upsetting to me. Maybe I’m overly sensitive today but I just fucking hate everything right now and I need to kick a bag.

This is why I can only date soft boys, you guys. I need a fluffy, nice boy who will respect me and other women and be my equal. I need someone who can go to a drag show, and also cheer me on when I finally get the gall to do my own drag performance. I need someone I can vent to about all the bullies of the world and help me get out my frustrations. Maybe someone I can spar with, and we can become strong badasses together. I am just so tired of people walking around thinking they can bulldoze others.

I’m also glad I didn’t die today... that would have sucked.

I guess this blog is a little alternative to talking to a person about my anger. It doesn’t talk back but at least I can share what I feel. Even if no one reads it. Ahhh.