DAY 203

I switched from the two dating apps above to Hinge. I just feel like it gives you better quality, people who put a little more effort in, and it also gives you a finite number of “likes” a day, so you’re not swiping for a hundred hours. I kinda like waking in the morning and getting it out of the way.

I did meet someone at a brunch munch that interests me actually. The first time where the kink community might actually have someone available to offer me. He’s 38 years old, definitely polyamorous and definitely a daddy. He was bald but had this gorgeous eyes and a nicely trimmed beard. I was enjoying looking at him. He asked me for coffee and I agreed to go next next Wednesday because this week is going to be stupid and then I have May long camping. I’m intrigued by him but I also don’t think he would make a good match for me, but more of a good fuck. I couldn’t help but feel myself getting turned on by him and the way he was talking to me. He was making it really clear he was interested and he immediately messaged me afterwards. I haven’t blushed that hard in a while!

I also went to this private party which.. I’ll share VERY few details, because well, PRIVATE. All I will share is one weird thing that happened at the party. This girl came up to me, someone I’d noticed earlier who I thought was extremely beautiful. She was wearing this amazing outfit and was like hella hot. She comes up to me all of a sudden, takes my hand like one would to give it a kiss, and holds it. I’m sitting down and she is leaning down towards me, and she leans her face literally like 2 inches from mine and she says “my, my, you are fucking gorgeous.” She starts telling me I’m the hottest girl in the room (WILD!) and that everyone in this room has noticed me. She asks if it’s okay if she touches me, and she like puts her hand under my chin and I’m like so fucking stunned, and in a way, like so flattered that I want to see what she’s going to do next, so I say it’s okay. She asks me if I’m okay with this, if I’m interested blah blah blah and I’m like “well, I tend to be a little more subtle.” And just giggled awkwardly. She says “it’s okay if you’re not into this, I have a husband and a boyfriend, I just wanted to let you know how beautiful you are.” She asks if I’m single, and I said yes and she was just like “how is that possible? You’re so perfect, it doesn’t make any sense!” And she’s like staring into my eyes. STILL holding my hand. It was sooo weird. I’ve NEVER been hit on so aggressively in my life.

I talked about this later with B and we sort of came to the conclusion that this girl has to have some sort of autism. I’ve noticed that a lot of people who act this way have a minor bit of it, where they just have these rather odd social interactions, where it feels very hollow. Like they are “acting” like how they think an attractive, sexy, confident person acts to get something they want. The weirdest part of it was that if a dude were to have acted like that, other people would not tolerate it. It was sort of this immediate violation of consent. Without even knowing anything about me, she decided that she thought it was okay to hold my hand, put her hand under my chin and come close enough for a kiss and enter my bubble. Only after she had done it, did she ask if it was okay. And she was also so close to me that it was very challenging to say no. I didn’t want to embarrass her by telling her to stop. I was also surrounded by all these people who would have seen the interaction as sexy. I also didn’t necessarily want her to stop because I was so fascinated by what was happening. But despite how pretty she was and how flattered I felt, I am straight as a arrow. But imagine if I was a dude, just any fucking straight dude, who found her attractive. Like what kind of situations would a girl like her get herself into by jumping at people this way and making very sexual advances? Is someone who makes these vast leaps towards sex making good decisions? Like what I’m a dangerous person? I just feel so stumped by the whole situation. It was new territory for me. The way she was acting would probably be closer to how I might act if I was on Molly, but only with someone I had spent some time getting to know. Feck. It was weird.

I left the party feeling kinda sad to be honest. I just had never felt so alone in a long time. I like being alone, and I like myself, but I wish, so deeply, to connect with someone else. Where it feels mutual, and genuine. I watched other couples loving on each other and it made me feel unwanted, and like... Why, if I’m “the hottest girl here” can I not find someone? Like why AM I single? I mean I know the answer, it’s because I’m extremely picky and I have been burned so much, I’m afraid to open up to people. But it also feels like anyone who is interested in me is just so NOT what I want. I feel like I can get the types of guys I want, but where ARE they? I go on this app and they aren’t matching with me. Am I reaching? Am I just subconsciously sabotaging myself because being alone is easier? I dunno...

But then, my crush, who I’d thought I’d given completely up on, the one who I thought had asked me out but then it kinda turned out he sorta didn’t... Well, he leaned his head on me momentarily during GoT, like for maybe 3 seconds, and it was so fucking cute, I actually froze. I didn’t know WHAT to do, so I did nothing but just giggle. Then he said he was interested in coming camping this weekend, but my friend, and his roommate said she couldn’t come. I messaged him today to see if he was going to come without her but he said he thought it would be weird without her there. But I said no, it would be fine, he’s our friend too, but if he changes his mind, he can ride with me. He actually seemed really reassured by that and said he would think about it. FUCK. If he comes camping with me, that’s like 3.5 days of time with him… WOW. And without my friend there, who I was SO sure he is like in love with. I just… didn’t think he was into me. But maybe he is just shy about it. FUCK. I don’t want to get my hopes up but god damn it, he’s like 100% my type. I die. I. die.

So there is a small, small glimmer of possibility with this guy again. But I’m trying to keep my expectations low. He probably won’t come camping, and even if he does, he might not at all be interested in something romantic with me. I wouldn’t have sex with him. He’s my dream guy, like I wouldn’t want to ruin it by being too quick to intimacy. I want to develop something real and, while sex early doesn’t necessarily “ruin” things, it has never worked in my own personal favour. Me and my best ex waited 1 month into our relationship, AND we were friends for like 5 years before, so there was a LOT of sexual tension built up. That’s what needs to happen with someone I would want to wifey. You know? Anyway. I gotta go. Man, oh man… What is my life?