DAY 16

Gonna be honest here, not dating anyone is pretty uneventful. I kinda just go home, watch Netflix or Youtube and crochet. That or hang out with some girlfriends and grab some drinks or a movie. Nothing fancy. And I’m happy to be doing so. I don’t feel sorry for myself or lonely. I have so many things to look forward to, like my work Christmas party, and this Alternative Market I’m going to sell my crochet at. And the fact that my curls are starting to transform so early on into my curly hair journey.

But I have been observing a lot of the ways I act differently now that I’m not dating or looking, and some of it is pretty unexpected.

Here’s just a list of a few odd things:

1. I stay at work a lot later. Not just because I have work, but sometimes it’s just to hang out work on other things. I’m not in a rush to preserve my night. I’m more relaxed.

2. I don’t check out men much at all. I kinda walk around like I’m already taken, averting my eyes and focusing on the shit I’m trying to do. I don’t feel shy and jittery around good looking men anymore. I just don’t care if they notice me or not.

3. I’m connecting with other women more. My own friends but also female co-workers, and random women out in public. I think about how often I pass the Bechdel Test now that I’m not focusing on men and it’s like.. Constant.

4. I’ve been going out in public without makeup, without my hair done, and with glasses on. I know, I deserve a gold star, but honestly, I would have never been caught dead doing that if I thought for a second someone attractive might see me and dismiss me because of how ugly I actually am. Or if I run into an ex. I do feel somewhat nervous about it still, but I’m letting go of the fear that I’m not acceptably beautiful all the time.

5. When I see couples, I don’t feel envy. Like at all. It’s so weird. I ended up seeing a picture of an ex with a new girlfriend and I don’t even care. When I do see happy couples, new thoughts come to my mind. “Don’t you fucking hurt each other.” Instead of “Awe, I hope that’s me someday.” I treat people like there’s more context to their story than just a happy couple and that’s why I can’t be jealous. Their story is different. Their timeline is different. I’ve obviously already known this, but now it’s sinking in.

6. I started singing in the street loudly, sober, with my friends. “Turn around, bright eyes, every now and then I fall apart, turn around…” They were somewhat embarrassed as people walked by, but I didn’t care. I just wanted to sing. I would normally never do this unless I was super wasted. I think the drunk uninhibited me is always there, waiting to jump out at the world, she just always needed a little alcohol to release the kraken. I‘m starting to release the kraken without it and it feels so good. So me.

7. I’m being a little less Abbi, and a little more Ilana. A little less Cameron and a little more Ferris. A little less… Narrator and a little more Tyler Durden. And maybe a little more Marla, without all the fucking. Kinda carefree. Less scared of what people think.

8. I’m checking in on people more. Like my friends and family. Instead of wasting time on a stupid dating app trying to talk to a stranger for hours a night, I’m talking to the people I already know. And I actually care more about listening to what they have going on. I find myself talking to people I haven’t talked to in a long time. I focus more on the people who are already here. Who already like me.

9. I’ve been thinking about my own death more. Not in a morbid way, but in a thoughtful, peaceful way. Like if I were to die tomorrow, would I feel bad about the life I’ve lived up until now? The answer is no. I feel good about it. I feel like this is what was supposed to happen.

10. So much more goal setting. I want to find other ways of making money and I have SO many ideas. I just need to start implementing them. I’m SO excited about this one. I want to start selling more things online, making more Youtube videos, and creating more self-fulfilling projects.

11. My attitude has changed a lot. When people ask me how I’m doing, I can’t help but smile and tell them, in the most genuine way possible, that I’m fucking great. I used to be more indifferent most days, peppered with anxiety and fear about things in my life. But lately, I’m so easily amused, and I just can’t believe how excited I am to wake up some days. I don’t even want to go to sleep some nights cause I have so much to do and I can’t wait to get to them all. This year doesn’t even feel like it’s going to be long enough. Maybe I’ll need two years...

 That’s all I can think of right now. I’m sure there will be more to update this list with as the time passes and I get deeper into the year. I can’t believe it’s only been 16 days. Only 349 days to go.