DAY 140

I went to a rope play night, aaand… Not sure it’s for me. I didn’t really feel anything. Neither excitement, nor stress. Just, nothing. I realize there are many ways to be a rope bunny, and I always thought it was mainly sexual, but turns out that it can be more for aesthetic reasons, or meditative, or just a power thing. I found an old friend from my hometown at the rope night and she is into suspension. That seemed more up my alley than being tied up for sex. I like to have some control in the situation. I’m not really a sub, I’m a brat, so I like to disobey. How much disobeying can I do if I can’t do any teasing at all. It’s hard to say. I think I’d need more experience to really make a decision, and maybe with someone who is more experienced, and with someone I trust a lot. I tend to have a lack of trust in general with most (if not all) men. Can I even think of a man I trust? My ex-boyfriend. Good ol’ C. I’m still not ready to blog about him yet... I’ll get there.

This weekend, I went out for my friend B’s birthday on Saturday and I dressed up in a very rave-girl-esque outfit. It felt really good. I was terrified of leaving the house but once I did, I felt like I had this weird spell cast on me, where I didn’t care what anyone thought. I loved staring at total strangers and watching them avoid my eyes, because I was too strange to meet eyes with. It was hilarious to me. I could NOT stop smiling all night. I was also high on edibles, but it was working really well for me. I’m a pothead now, let’s face it! What will I do in Mexico without my weed crutch?!

Anyway, so I had a blast going out dressed all strange. I had a googley eye on my forehead, pink fuzzy earrings, cat ears, a rainbow body suit that was like a thong butt over full bodied black tights, fake eyelashes, rainbow choker, a black fanny pack, lots of glitter, blue lips and a funky blue 80s jacket. I looked like your crazy aunt from the 80s with all the drugs. I wore it with confidence I never knew I had. I think I’m READY to be a bio queen. For real. I’m preparing myself for the reality that I WILL be on stage before the end of 2019 doing drag. Get used to having all eyes on me. Just a small step in the preparation for being an insufferable attention whore, just like my girl Emilia Fart. Emilia is one of my favourite weirdo youtubers and she’s my true inspiration. Whenever I feel people staring at me, I think of Emilia Fart and realize that it doesn’t matter if people hate it, cause lots of people love it. So... It’s happening.

I noticed a hyper queen (bio queen) at the drag show on Saturday and I started following her on instagram. I want to take some inspiration from her, and it really helps me to see more bio queens doing their thing in the city, because there are so many more drag queens and kings than bio queens and that makes it a little more nerve wracking for me. I know some people look down on bio queens, and that sucks. I need to spend the time doing my LGBTQ+ history too, because I want to represent them in the best way possible. 

What else is new... My friend L is dating a girl! I’ve known her since 1st year of university, through her long term relationship with her ex-boyfriend, and I knew that she might like women, but now it’s like really happening for her and I’m so stoked! I can’t wait to meet her new gf. I also have to admit that I have a small crush on L’s male roommate, and had wondered if they were a thing. I’m not going to do anything about my crush because of my challenge, but hey, it’s nice to have dreams. He’s funny, and just… checks off all my attraction boxes. It hurts actually, not being able to see if there’s a shot there, but I don’t get the vibe that he’s over interested in me anyway. I need to just not worry about it. For real, just... Foh-getta-bow-tit. *wipes single tear*

I’m going to go to the mountains with my friend M this weekend. M is the old FWB I had, the one that fell in love with me? Yeah. Or maybe, was falling.. I dunno. But yeah, he’s cool! I’m excited to hang out with him. I need to get mountaining more. I haven’t gone SINCE the last time M and I went a year and a half ago. Hiking just feels really fucking good. Ohh.. Would it be bad to get high on a mountain? I mean... Could be fun. I wonder if M would. He and I were big potheads together too back in the day. I actually miss him. He’s gonna drive up from my hometown to stay the night and then we’ll leave early in the morning. Maybe I could... Sneak in a little romp for old time’s sake. I’ll see how I feel. Don’t want him to fall in love or anything. He won’t. I already crushed his dreams once.

Is that all that’s new? I can’t tell if I’m losing weight yet. I didn’t have a scale in my house but now I do, and I weighed 147lbs. Back in December, I weighed 155lbs, so I’ve obviously lost some. But since I just got the scale, I need more time to figure out if any of the things I’ve been doing are even working. I have been doing a lot of vegetarian-esque meals. I can’t even remember the last time I ate a meat. I have only had one drink this month, and I’m proud of that. This damn friday, I have to decide if I’m gonna drink real alcohols. I think I might just have a decoy beverage and just be high all night. That’s GREEN! It’s St Patrick’s, get greened out!

Okay, I think that’s all I got.