DAY 148

Many things have happened lately so I’ll try to squeeze them all in. My old FWB, let’s just call him M visited over the weekend from my hometown to go hiking on Sunday, and he ended up coming up Saturday night. We went out for dinner and it was just so comfortable and relaxing, like nothing had ever changed. I didn’t even realized that I’d missed him. I had this feeling in the back of my mind like... I wonder if we’ll hook up again... We just got absorbed in conversation and I showed him all the new things I’ve been doing, like my YouTube channel and all that, and he just seemed so intrigued and excited for me. He said I seemed really happy and I was. As it got later and we talked more, we hadn’t really touched but then in one swift movement he put his arm around me when I showed him some ASMR and then I just knew. I told him we should snuggle like old times and then... in the most gradual, sensual way possible, I kissed him. Breaking rules left and right! But this just felt soo right to me. Everything was familiar and fun and there’s something about the way he cuddles. He wrapped his arm around my head in his really safe, secure way and played with my hair and I just felt so protected and cared for. I just haven’t really gotten that feeling ever since my last ex, C. He was an expert cuddler. Where, when they hold you, it feels like they really, really adore you. It’s funny how some men can translate that and some can’t.  

The next day we went hiking and it was truly the most excruciating, awful experience of my life. I kinda went from a high the night before to an extreme low. I am not a hiker by any means, and I am not a physically fit person, whatsoever. So that hike felt like I was Frodo trying to climb Mount Doom. I could have really used a Samwise Gamgee. Everyone could use a Samwise. And M kinda left me behind… a lot. Enough where I was alone on more than one occasion not being able to see or hear anyone. I probably shouldn’t give him excuses for it because I told him he didn’t have to wait for me, but I mostly said that so I could cry to myself softly while I careened down the mountain and died. You know? The snow was so soft and sugary that I was just constantly sliding through the snow. My feet would fall through over and over and I would be filled with abject horror, but everyone probably just found my fear and whining annoying and laughable because it was just that easy for the rest of them. So I’m never going hiking again. Don’t let me. Never. Ever. I’d rather get airlifted to the top and back down, thanks.

M said we don’t have to ever go again, we can just do fun things for me. I’m gonna take him to a drag show. He sounded excited. He also sounded excited for me to become a drag queen. I kept using bio queen but some people find bio offensive… Some people say hyper.. I don’t know. I guess most of them just want to be called drag queens along with gay men. Anyway, I’ll see how I feel about who I wanna invite to my first performance. I have an entire costume sitting in a shopping cart on this site waiting to be purchased. It’s exactly what I want. I can’t wait to get it all together. Not for another like 2-3 months I don’t think. I love a good build up too, like back when I used to prepare months in advance for a dance competition. I wanna get my body in shape first. I need to actually move it once in a while.

I’ve been eating much healthier than ever before, and no calorie counting! I have been making a lot of soups and eating way less meat as well. I don’t know yet if it’s working because I avoid the scale when I’m A. Bloated from my period and B. extremely sore, which I still am now from that fucking hike. I have been doing stairs as much as I can, and walking a lot more now that the weather is nice. I do feel like my body is already starting to improve in the way it looks and feels, so fuck the scale, it can SHOVE it.

I just have been going to more munches and trying to meet more humans so far, feeling good about that. I still feel like I need to steer clear of people who aren’t giving me good vibes. I get that this is a group of people who are more comfortable with their sexuality, but I am slow to learn, and slow to open up. I’m like a cat. You can’t smother me or I’ll freak out, but approach me slowly, take your time with me and I *MIGHT* warm up to you. I did meet some cool girls. Women always feel like safe bets to me, since their intentions feel just way more genuine than men. I don’t know how to get it across in the gentlest way possible when I’m not interested in someone. I am too nice sometimes. 

I want to go to my hometown soon and visit friends. I have a few people I’d have to make the rounds to. Maybe after Mexico. Or maybe before AND after. I could just fully run away for a while. My friend M, not the male friend but my best lady friend M is coming here for a concert next month, right before Mexico, so we could have some fun. I love when we go out for breakfast like the good old times. The concert should be amazing. Dermot Kennedy :D

Hmm what else is new... Okay, I thought I had more but apparently not. One of these days soon, I’m gonna write about Jarvis. I have to call him Jarvis because J was already taken for another ex guy… I really should have planned my fake names better ahead of time. But yeah, stay tuned! Jarvis is coming soon. SOON!