DAY 81
I need to discuss something that is probably really stupid, but I wanted to get it out. What else is a blog for but vomiting out your more obscure thoughts, anyway? RIGHT?! Okay. SO! I was at a local rock show with my friend C this weekend. We were just missing the music scene and craving some live music, so I found a band I’d never heard of and we showed up to a pub I’d never been to before. It was this grimey dive bar that felt very 70s-80s. Nothing particularly special about it except that it was very outdated. We had taken edibles beforehand so I was ready for a night of introspective thoughts and swaying.
When we sat down, C was not feeling the high yet, but I was there. I was in my own mind, thinking about thoughts at a rapid speed, just about the nostalgia of this place, and how people were dressed, and whether or not I enjoyed the bands that were playing. One guy playing guitar was tripping me out for how 70s he was dressed. I thought about what I might have looked like while there from someone else’s perspective. If I seemed old. If I was being “cool.” If I was comparably pretty to this blonde Aussie girl on the dance floor who kept staring at me and then trying to get her boyfriend to pay attention to her. I studied their body language out of the corner of my eye and I could tell she was more into him than he was to her.
Then the final band goes up. I’m expecting these guys to be good, having heard little to nothing off of Spotify right before we left. And I’m pleasantly surprised. They are high energy, and all very attractive. I was here for it.
But then C, as her high starts kicking in, turns to me and says:
“See the lead singer? You’re gonna marry him someday.”
I stared at him in stunned silence. Really? He was cute, for sure. The entire band was cute, that is kinda why we went in the first place. But the lead singer, I had barely noticed a bit earlier. He wasn’t my usual type. My usual was more of the bassist. He reminded me a lot of MMA guy from blog Day 12. The guitarist reminded me of an old previous bandie guy I’d boned a few years ago. I had to shake my head to make sure it wasn’t ACTUALLY him. The drummer reminded me more of one of my previous one night stand kinda guys. But the LEAD SINGER. He isn’t not my normal type at all. Probably the kind of guy I would have absentmindedly swiped left on on Tinder. But she had a point. He was emulating something entirely different from the other band guys who I’d normally be more interested in, and that was spunk. He was goofy, and confident. He danced like an awkward dad, but with the confidence of Channing Tatum. And he was funny.
I shook my head a lot, remembering, NO, I am not in “looking” mode. I mean, I could look, but I wasn’t going to hunt. But since I was amidst this kinda ridiculous high, I played the hypothetical game. What if?
And I got lost in the fantasy. What it would be like to fuck this guy, go to his rock shows every weekend, makeout with him at 5 am in the back of a van, watch all the extended Lord of the Rings together on our second date, go on vacation to Hawaii and have a threesome together, move in with him in a total shack of a house that we fucking love and get a medium sized rescue pupper named Barbara. We go elope in a tropical country in 1.5 years with 8 of our closest friends, because secretly, I’ve been accidentally knocked up. We debate on what to do since we didn’t really want kids, but then decide to have the kid anyway because “it’s fate.” (Immediately after the birth, I get my tubes tied because statistically only children to better than kids with siblings, and parents mental health deteriorates after 2 children.) It’s a boy, he’s the best fucking kid ever and we name him Jack, and he’s looks like his dad but with my curly blonde hair. Jack is my life, and my husband takes a seat on the back burner. I really like my new, advanced leelo though, maybe a little too much. One night when I’m home alone with our toddler, he cheats on me at a show with a bubbly girl 8 years younger than me. I do not find out. She keeps coming to his shows, and chases after him, and he can’t resist, bones her, and then tries to convince me to do polyamory again. I reluctantly agree, and he starts obsessively dating the other girl while I be a mom to our genius child (who will be a political figure someday, probably.) But then he gets her pregnant. She moves in with us because I am a good person, and even though I like her, I struggle with jealousy issues and but also not really wanting to fuck him anymore. I slowly start to resent him and start fucking other guys on my out and about nights because our sex is stale and bland, and while he loves me, he is no longer in love with me and I am addicted to newness. I find a man who is significantly better in bed than him, and I get swept up. I even include another girl in on it because let’s face it, I like threesomes. He finds out. He is very upset, and he is done. He can’t deal. We get a divorce. He stays with the other girl and her kid, and I take Jack on a world-wide adventure for 4 years straight. We see each other once a year at Christmas, but I’ve found really hot lesbian woman in Aruba who I fall head over heels with, Jack and I move with her to Sweden and we become common law until my ultimate death at 57 from a terrible driverless vehicle "accident." The robots have risen. We are all doomed.
Do I spare this poor man of such a terrible fate? I mean, we will have a really wonderful child, who might grow up to be the next Mr. Rogers, or Carl Sagan, but our love will eventually fail. But it could be a wild adventure. I mean.. Lesbian in Aruba could be worth it all. Who knows?!
I don’t know. It was a fun idea. I enjoyed the fantasy but I struggle with the concept that anyone would be able to hold onto their love for me. Or me to them. My longest relationship was barely a year and a half. And when it ended, my love for him was completely dried up. How can I expect someone to stay with me for 30+ years? That seems impossible. I’ve always been someone who craves change, and who changes on a constant basis. The perceived “permanency” of marriage doesn’t seem for me. I know divorce is always possible, but I would never want to have to go through one. And I don’t think I could promise to love someone forever, but I could love them day to day. I think that’s enough. And let people go when it’s time to go. I don’t know.
I don’t think marriage is for me. I think I could have a fake marriage, like where we call each other husband and/or wife without having it recognized by the government. That wouldn’t even be a fake marriage, because marriage is a concept, not a physical object. If you tell people you’re married, they will believe you, no one is gonna be like “prove it, show me your marriage contract.” So it’s BS.
But forgetting the concept of marriage, just the concept of promising someone something forever. No one can do that. No one can promise to never change their mind. They can say it but they’d be ignorant or lying. I think it’s always important to remember that. Change is the only thing that’s actually permanent. And in a way, that’s comforting. I would never want things to stay the same forever anyway. That’s boring.
I don’t know if I will ever be monogamous again, but I also don’t know if I’ll be poly. For the right person, I would do monogamy, but I feel like I’d eventually want to become open again. I would be happy to be polyamorous again, but as long as it was conducted respectfully, and people were properly vetted before they entered my love life. Also, I want to be primary this time. I’ve never been primary, and I’m ready to be someone’s priority lover.
Anyway. In my high state, I followed the band and then him on Instagram like a crazy person. I wasn’t really expecting him to accept my request, or to follow me back, but he did. He has been watching my Insta-stories and liking my posts, so that’s interesting. I don’t know if it means anything though. Again, I’m not trying to pursue anyone, and I don’t REALLY think we will ever get married. We may never progress beyond Instagram creeps. Let’s face it, I’m the real creep here. But it was more for the comedy and the story than for true love. He did make some unsavoury jokes while on stage that made me raise an eyebrow. RED FLAG. That is the first sign. I wanted to catch myself at the first red flag, not the 20th, so I’m trying to be better at that.
You can’t just pick someone out of a crowd and decide that they’re the one. If only it were that easy. But it’s kinda fun to play pretend.
Okay, I’m going back to committing to me now. Dropping it. BYYYYE.
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UPDATE:
So this is juicy, umm.. One of the other band members just followed me on Instagram. The guitarist, the one who looks like a guy I used to bone (and I guess date), which is a good thing because man, he was v hot. He is missing the long voluptuous Jesus hair that my old hookup had but honestly, that's a good thing because his hair was only actually cool in a pony tail.
I don't know what it means. It could mean nothing, could just be a guy who is looking for more followers. But the fact that he did it like almost a week after I followed the band is weird. I wasn't following him when he followed me. I just followed him back. It's just curious, that's all. I don't even know how old these boys are, they could be 22 years old. They are in a band, after all. Those tend to swing younger. Anyway. Just thought it was curioooooous.