DAY 168

Alright so I’ve gotten a chance to blog on vacation. I broke a rule, however, I did it for science and not for love... I added tinder while in Mexico. It was for curiosity and the potential for a sexual encounter. I’ll cut to the chase. It didn’t happen. I felt that exhaustion of trying to have conversations, made harder by the language barrier. I was curious to see what kinds of men were available and if they would have any more game than Canadians. No. It’s the same. I ended up deleting it by day 3 of the trip. I just got tired of swiping pretty quickly and decided it was a waste of time. If something was to happen, it would need to happen naturally. And because the resort we are on is mostly old people, the likelihood of a whirlwind vacation romance is just hella low. I am not heart bent on it but when I went to Chile, I remembered the amazing one night stand I had and was hoping to get that lucky again. There’s still a chance but it’s just highly unlikely. I can’t complain cause I’m having a really great time. Doing nothing is the best thing. Just laying in front of a pool or the beach and not moving is amazing.

I bought the book Bachelor Nation, as a self-proclaimed Bachelor addict, I knew I would love it. I was embarrassed to carry it around though. I think people automatically judge girls who love the bachelor as idiot heads. I get why people think that but I think they’re just seriously misunderstanding that even staunch feminists can’t turn away from it sometimes. It’s not like we love it for its kind way of treating women, but more because it feeds into the fantasy of wanting to be romanced by a really amazing guy. But it’s just made us all more cynical in some way. I relate more to the women who go home crying in the limos than anything.

--- Later update

So the vacation is over and my friend managed to convince to re-add Tinder so I could find a weird looking guy who was checking us out in the resort buffet. She had found him on Tinder and was like “go back on!” So I added it just to see. It was funny because she started chatting with him casually, but when I found him, he had superliked me AND immediately messaged me to say he wanted to make out. I told my friend and she was super annoyed. We both decided he was a loser and stopped talking to him.

So needless to say, no sex happened in Mexico. Imagine if I had waited to have sex all the way to Mexico only to have weird resort guy as the only option. Blech. Glad I broke that rule!

Mexico was amazing, obviously. Very little happened besides eating, laying around, reading books and floating in pools to be honest. I don’t have a wild crazy story. I did get to practice my drag queen dancing at the disco there which was super fun. I almost made out with a 40 year old lady who had gone on vacation by herself. We ended up not because I had aggressive red lipstick on and didn’t want to fuck up her face. I was really proud of her though. I want to be able to go on a trip alone someday. I want to be more brave and push myself outside of my comfort zone. I felt like the whole trip, I was completely incapable of approaching and talking to strangers. I don’t know why it was so hard. But I got this vibe that people we’re all that friendly. Maybe I give off that vibe too, that I’m not friendly. But I smile at people... I don’t know. I want to keep practicing this and getting better at being open.

I started reading the Ethical Slut and it’s really been opening me up to poly even more. It’s exactly what I need to read right now to prepare myself for the lifestyle I want. I’ve had the book for literally 5 years and only just started reading it because I haven’t had time to read books, but also just not feeling ready for what it had to say. I was afraid of what it was going to tell me I was doing wrong, and that’s so dumb, but truly, it was true. When I was dating my ex, I was afraid of being called out for being shitty. I only wanted it to tell me I was doing everything right. The reality is, I could have been more sympathetic to my ex’s metamour, but over time, I grew tired of her hypocrisy to the point where I had little to no empathy for her jealousy problems. I felt like she was so controlling and cruel to him, and it was hard for me to understand why he would bend the knee to her all the time. The book itself does say that jealousy is her own emotion, and you can blame anyone else for your jealousy. But from the opposite standpoint, you have to be patient with people as well when they are dealing with jealousy, and I was over being patient with her, since she’d been that way for literal years. I felt like she should be more emotionally stable than she was, and I was exhausted by how little work she was doing to heal from any of her pain. It was his job to make her feel better. Anyway, that’s a story for another blog.

I will keep going through it. I want to get to the part where you introduce a typically monogamous person to poly because that feels like something relevant to my future. I will probably run into and fall for people who don’t want to be poly and the reality is, either they will have to want to be poly or we won’t work. I wouldn’t want to change anyone who isn’t open to it, but if someone is new to the concept, it’s something I would feel responsible for introducing them to it and showing them how it can be fun, healthy, safe and something they can benefit from too.

Anyway, that’s all I got! Love ya!