DAY 45

I am probably going to make this one short, but just wanted to get something quick in. Nothing crazy new has happened recently, but I do have this coworker, who I might add is one of the most lovely, sweet women I’ve EVER met in my life. I simply ADORE her. She invited me to her Christmas party which I actually can’t go to because it coincides with a friend Christmas party I already promised to be at. Also, she lives outside of the city which is just too much work for me and I don’t really wanna drive home sober at the end of the night, OR be forced to spend the night… Ugh. But one of the main reasons she invited me is because she wants me to meet a “nice guy.” I think it’s so sweet that she wants us to meet, but it’s so hard for me to explain what I’m doing right now, which is not JUST not dating, but actively avoiding looking. I think it would be cool to meet him anyway, just to rule it out because, let’s face it, he’s probably not going to be for me. But I still want to go because I don’t want to disappoint her and I always want to nurture my work friendships because I see my coworkers a lot more than I see my own friends, so I do think it’s important. But there is a little spark of hope in me that maybe he will be a nice guy, and I might want to jump his bones. But I don’t. Because again, I AM COMMITTED TO ME this year! It would be cheating!!!

I think about it all the time though, whether someone amazing will show up and I will be blown away. It’s not even been 2 months yet, so I can’t be like “oh, it’s never going to happen” but if it did, I honestly don’t know what I’d do. I hope it doesn’t happen. Fuck. I am doing so well so far and I'm enjoying it. It's bizarre how much my attitude has changed because I didn't know it was possible to be this happy with myself... It's life changing.

I still go through days where I shit on myself, but it’s far less bad than it was when I was looking for validation on dating apps and in real life all the time. I wish my arms weren’t so fucking fat. I hate them. And my double chin.. I can’t fight it. I will always find certain things about myself disappointing, but there are so many days where I look in the mirror and think “holy shit, who am I?!” I feel like I’ve evolved. I’ve reached my 2nd Pokemon form. I am no longer a shitty little Squirtle, I’m a fucking Wartortle. I’m hoping by the end of this no dating challenge, I’ll be a full blown Blastoise, but that’s pushing it...

This weekend, I’m going to my hometown, (we’ll call it that even though it’s not) and visiting some friends for a joint birthday party. There will be men there. Men I have fucked, and men I would want to fuck but shouldn’t. It’s going to be very interesting and a good test, because I haven’t been around men I wanna fuck since before I started this whole thing. There will be at least 3 dudes there that I need to NOT hit on. I only know of one who for sure would fuck me if I changed my mind. But I’m not going to. I just need to watch my liquor.

I am going to try to encourage my best friend’s sex life instead, so I can live vicariously through her during these low sexy times. I haven’t been wanting sex, really, but I know drunk me gets wily, and wants what she wants. I give drunk me a different name. Sophie. Sophie is a horny hoe. I will let you know if Sophie comes out this weekend and how well I am able to keep her at bay. I think I’ll be fine, truthfully. But just thinking about these guys gets me kinda frustrated.

I totally understand why people think the “no sex” rule is dumb. Sex does not equal romance or love, but it MAY equal intimacy, and that’s not what I’m going for. Biologically speaking, the more women orgasm with the same dude, the more attached she gets, and that’s not purposeful, that’s science. It’s not like we WANT to. And I’m sure there are many women who feel like there are some exceptions. But I know myself. I know that I will start to see sparks between me and the worst guy on the planet if he makes me cum enough times. It’s happened to me already with D, if you have read my past blogs... ALSO, I feel like, again, it’s a CHALLENGE, and it wouldn’t be a full challenge if I didn’t eliminate the parts of it that are ACTUALLY hard. Not dating is the easy part. It’s the not fucking that’s going to be tough because I have NEVER gone this long without sex since I started sexing. I think the longest dry spell I’ve ever had was 7 months and that was me actively giving up on men in a sad, broken sort of way. I felt hated by a lot of people at the time (first year of university was ROUGH) so I avoided men and dating for a long time. I will share that story for another day…

Anyway… I don’t know why I even went on a tangent… I just have had to justify to enough people at this point that it’s like I’m preparing myself with answers. The only people who question my decision are married/taken people. They seem confused, shocked, almost disturbed. “How could you do this to yourself?! He could be out there, around any corner just waiting for you to bump into him and you’re gonna look the other way?!”

Yep. I am. I’m going to actively look the other way. I’m going to act like I’m not available, because I’m not. If he’s the one (which I also don’t really believe in, but let’s say he is), then it WILL work itself out. If it’s meant to be, it will happen with the right timing. Timing is everything, and this year, the timing is just wrong for me. A person who wants me bad enough can fucking wait. It’s just the truth. If he can’t, then he’s not for me. It’s so simple. I am not chasing anyone anymore. I am done chasing. Chasing has gotten me exactly where I am. Here. Alone.

This is longer than I anticipated but it was much needed. I will share with you any potential Sophie hoe details over the weekend, but I’m sure I can subdue Sophie with a couple of weed chocolates. She will be too goofy to want to fuck, or be fuckable to anyone. It’s gonna be great.