DAY 21
Feeling shit tonight. I haven't had any social interaction today and it's a night like this where I would normally turn to a dating app for validation. I tried to talk to my friends instead, in two of my group chats, but no one answered. No one. They just read what I had to say and gave no responses. I get it. I probably didn't say anything they'd give a fuck about... My theory that Matilda is an American Hermione Granger... No one cares. Or that I want to dress up as Trunchbull for Halloween next year. No one cares. But sometimes you are just doing something boring like watching Matilda, and you have all these thoughts, and you wanna tell someone and feel like... I dunno, someone cares? I even reached out to one of my favourite podcasts, The Bechdel Cast to ask them to review Matilda... How sad is that? I get that my friends talk about shit I don't care about either. Maybe it's better to get straight to the point and say "hey, just wanted to talk to a human other than myself today..." My guy friend asked to hang out in the group chat with anyone who was up for it but he didn't like my idea of kickboxing at my work, so he is hanging out with other friends. No one cared to invite me. So whatever. Second tier friends I guess.
I feel like my friends forget that I live alone and spend most of my time alone. And everyone thinks I'm an introvert so that being alone makes me happy so no one bothers to check in on me. Do you know how many texts I get in a day? Between 0 and 1. And it's usually Suzy Shier harassing me about a sale. I'm not a full introvert I've realized. I'm 50/50. I do like to spend entire weekends surrounded by people or just be a lazy ass at a friend's house smoking pot and chugging wine from Friday after work till Sunday before bed. That's fun for me too. And people don't really know how depressed I get when I come home to a quiet empty apartment after a fun weekend. Like it can be so brutal sometimes that I have to find some way to distract myself from how fucking horrible I feel.
I've definitely purposefully isolated myself this week based on money problems. But also I've been trying to crochet like a wicked grandma for the last 6 days in a row, because I found out I am going to be in a market selling my work in only a few days and I need so much more product than I have. I make amigurumi style crochets, so like... basically just stuffed toys. It's super fun. I've made a lot of food stuffies like a donut, a pop tart, even a bowl of ramen that looks so fucking dope. But my fingers are starting to kill me and I just need a break. I did spend yesterday hanging out with some lady friends. All we did was snack and watch Ru Paul's Drag Race which was so awesome and we talked about why don't we do this more often. But today, after a full day of doing nothing but crochet and farting in my couch, I'm like kinda crying out for some attention and not getting any.
So instead of doing what I would normally do and rejoin a dating app and spend 2 hours writing up the perfect bio and photoshopping my photos to look cuter, I'm gonna go kick box. It's 10 pm and it's not social but it's gonna feel good. I may not be able to see any friends tonight but I can do something good for myself outside of that. Kick the shit out of a bag to Smack My Bitch Up and not cry about how sad I am right now. It's just one bad night.
My friends aren't bad friends, cause if they are, I would be considered a bad friend too since I often do the same exact things they did to me tonight... read and not reply. I just need to learn to be more direct with what I want, and ask for it. Ask to talk to someone. Ask to hang out. Don't be embarrassed or pissed if they say no. I think about how when you make a household with only 1 Sim on the Sims and your Sim never talks to anyone, it starts bawling and screaming after a few days because it NEEDS social interaction. Like it's a necessity. Why do yo think Tom Hanks made Wilson?! He NEEDED him.
Glad I have this blog so I can drop these feels on it. I hadn't really thought the blog would be used in this way, but it's important to be honest with myself about when my life isn't going the way I want or I'm in need of something. I'm in need of a punching bag and a hug. The hug can wait I guess.
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So it's later. I'm having the weirdest night. I'm literally dressed like a homeless person right now, like I have a backpack on, workout pants, an oversized fluffy brown jacket, and garbage face and hair. This guy stopped for a stop sign right in front of me, made a full stop and then proceeded to go while I was fully in the crosswalk. He started to drive literally a foot away from me as I was about to cross in front of him. I actually smacked his car window cause I was so fucking pissed and he stopped again for a second but then drove off in embarrassment. I burst out laughing because I actually felt for a second like he probably did think I was homeless and decided to have no respect for me. Or he is fucking blind as a Stevie Wonder and shouldn't be driving.
Anyway, I got so flustered that I walked to my car, opened the trunk and within seconds, someone parked directly behind me in a spot they can't legally park and I immediately felt freaked out and got into my car and waited till they left. I was overthinking the moment but I was so full of adrenaline from that fucking asshole who nearly hit me that I actually had to get into my car and hide. So now I'm sitting here, wondering if I should still go to my work and kickbox or if I should go back home and stay hidden from society for the night... I dunno. I'm actually also worried that security will be walking around my work and be like "Who are you? What are you doing here?!" Because I look homeless right now and we actually have had problems with homeless people coming into our work before and stealing shit. Maybe it's just better off I avoid the public.
I did listen to this one song while I was walking outside for 30 seconds. The Loneliness and the Scream by Frightened Rabbit. It's pretty accurate to how I feel tonight. I definitely want to scream.
Maybe I'll get brave again and just go and kickbox. I'm already so close. Fuck...
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Okay, so I chickened out from going kickboxing because I feel like... Its almost 11pm. It's crazy to be going out that late to work out. I can go tomorrow at a decent hour since work got the Monday off. (whoop whoop!)
Instead, I walked around the block and made some observations. I definitely witnessed at least 2 drugs deals. I found a store called Cookie Mama that I now HAVE to try. And I found out that Starbucks is not open after 10pm, which is lucky since I don't have money and it would be dumb to give in to a craving using my near maxed out credit card. I'm at least proud of myself for going outside and breathing fresh air even though I almost got run over. It has perked up my mood slightly. I would eat ice cream now but I bought these tubs of ice cream that are supposed to be low calorie but they are literally like... all ice and no cream. It's horrible. Who would do this?! I'm offended.
Anyway. I should go back to crocheting now. Thanks bye.