DAY 73

Going to knock off another thing from my fuck-it list. Going to zoo lights tonight! I’m going with a friend and her mom. I haven’t met her mom yet so we’ll see how it goes. I don’t know why it meant so much to me to finally go to zoo lights, but after 10 years of having it in the back of my mind, I just need to do it. One very emo-looking boy planted the zoo lights seed for me and never followed through. Story time!

When I was 17, I met this boy at a rock show. He’ll call him, N. He was emo-looking, and the lead singer of a band. My (then) weakness. Long, flowy, swoopy hair that forced him to flip his head constantly to get the bangs out of his eyes. He was 19, and from the city. The city I live in now, actually, and I lived in my hometown, 2 hours away.

I was friends with this girl, S, who was basically tied at my hip on any given day. We were both very dramatic, and boy obsessed. We started going to shows together explicitly for the fresh man meat. And other girls could tell, because they did not like us around. We were a threat to their tight knit clique of bandie kids and low key groupies. We were high key groupies. We were on the hunt. It was my last year of high school, so I wanted to get rid of my virginity by graduation and there were a lot of boys there that I was willing to give it to. It ended up being N.

S would have her father, the strangest parent I’ve ever met, drive the two of us all the way to his city on a Friday night after school, drop us off at a house with all these bands mates and pick us up on Sunday afternoon. My parents would have a conniption if they knew this was happening, but her dad was… well, a cool dad. He did this every other weekend. He took us to get our noses pierced too. My mom wasn’t happy but she didn’t seem overly bothered either.

We stayed at N’s house, where he lived with his mom, and all these band boys would be there upstairs with S, and N and I would be down in his dingy bedroom with a mattress on the floor, making out. I don’t know what this boy saw in me, personally, but I had the asymmetrical bob going on, a fresh new (and sensitive) nose ring. He ended up pressing too hard against it, and I got a pretty disgusting nose bleed. But I was so happy.

I wasn’t entirely sure I was going to lose my virginity to him, because I had built it up in my mind that it would be horribly painful, but when the time came, I threw all caution to the wind. I was pleasantly surprised to find that sex did not hurt the first time. It was great. And mid-sex, while I was on top, he looks up at me and says “Will you be my girlfriend?”

I burst out laughing. “Uh, yes!”

All his friends and S were upstairs, and here we are at 9 PM in his pitch black bedroom, awkwardly doing it. We laughed about all the ways we could do it now, and he asked if I’d be into kinky stuff. I said, “hmm, maybe!” He asked if he could slap me. I said yes. He did. And I… hated it. My eyes watered, he hit me so hard. He curls up in a ball, humiliated and apologizes profusely. I reassure him I asked for it, so it was okay, just learned I wasn’t into that. He gets over himself and we go upstairs. I am smiling from ear to ear. It wasn’t graceful, or particularly cute, but I was very pleased with myself. S was excited for me too. She said she had lost her virginity already but it sounded like she didn’t feel good about it because the guy was “very small,” it might as well have been a tampon.

On the surface, N and I were cute, but there was virtually no depth to our relationship. We went to parks together, looked at stars while he smoked weed. He introduced me to “bubble tea.” We would literally spit shoot the balls at his bedroom ceiling. We talked on the phone just about everyday. I drew him a cute picture of us laying on the grass looking at the stars, which he loved and hung up on his fridge. He came all the way to my hometown and spent a weekend with me, uncomfortably, in front of my parents. We went to the mall and took photobooth pictures. He was supposed to sleep in the spare room, but he snuck into my room anyway. We tried to have sex again, but for some reason, it was like my vagina had clamped itself closed. We could not get it to work again, so the first time we hooked up was the only time. And he told me about zoo lights. He said we had to go, next time I was up, before Christmas. I asked him what zoo lights was. He said it’s where the zoo gets covered in thousands of Christmas lights and it's so beautiful, I would love it. It was the perfect date. I couldn’t wait to go.

The long distance was tough though. I wasn’t able to get to his city over the one month we dated. My parents would never drive me to see him because they weren’t cool. Having S’s dad drive me up wasn’t sustainable, and my friendship with her was getting strained. The more desperate and needy she got about wanting to have a boyfriend, the more uncomfortable I got with her. She got her dad to drive her 6 hours to meet a total stranger from Nexopia on CHRISTMAS FUCKING DAY. It was wild. I didn’t understand her and didn’t want to anymore. After the Christmas holidays, I had basically ghosted her, and she took the hint.

By the end of the holidays, N had been busy. Busy hanging out with a girl even younger than me. 16. She had her sights set on him and ever since we started dating and she was extremely upset over it. He had some friends over, including her, and she tore up the drawing I’d given him of us. He said he was really sorry. He also went into detail all the nasty things she said about me, like how she had called me ugly. He said she had tried to kiss him but he promised me he didn’t kiss her back. I was disturbed by all of this, but I wanted to trust him. I was naive.

And just like that, after one month of dating, N dumped me. He blamed it on the long distance, saying it was too hard, but I knew it was because of this girl. They started dating within 2 weeks, Facebook official. I was pretty disgusted. They ended up dating each other for a year.

But as karma goes... She was a living nightmare. He admitted to me years later she ruined his life and it was very difficult to break up with her. She had really fucked him up. As much as I hate to say it, I don’t feel bad. THE SIGNS WERE THERE.

Years later, when I moved to the city, we met up and caught up. I was driving by then but he… still wasn’t. He’s still in the band. But no longer the cute guy I thought he was. He was dumpy looking, and broke. At least I’m cute looking and broke!

We didn’t stay friends. He was pushing the Vemma Verve energy drink pyramid scheme-I mean MLM-onto everyone he knew, and I was not having it. I was already a well established skeptic and atheist by that point, and called out that bullshit on Facebook, on one of his many culty-sounding Facebook sales peopley posts. It didn’t take long before he blocked and deleted me.

All I’m left with from that relationship is trust issues and the broken promise of zoo lights.

Zoo lights.

So on the 10th anniversary of my lost virginity and broken heart, I’m gonna go and look at all the pretty lights and probably be disappointed, but I can no longer say I’ve never been to zoo lights.

I’ll let you know what I think of it in an update.

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UPDATE:

Zoo lights was fun! I give it a 7/10. I can see how it’s a really cute date idea. I got to have maple syrup on a stick and it was… better than I ever remembered. Very pleased. If I had known there was skating, I would have been better prepared with socks. I can’t skate without like 3 pairs of socks on or it hurts my feet. I would go there on a real date someday. I had some moments of longing when I was looking at a few couples, but I quickly stomped on those feelings when I realized that you can’t know everything about a someone’s seemingly happy relationship in a single glance.

For a split second I thought I saw J and his new girlfriend there, but I realized I was mistaken when I noticed how buff the guy was. I was still knocked off my happy parade though, momentarily because I started to feel sad about the happy me I was when I thought he was a great guy, and how sad it is for this new girl to possibly be disillusioned by his charm. I really don’t think any relationship with that guy will work out for any girl, to be quite frank. I need to remember that I wouldn’t want to be with J, he was a tool. Also I have to remind myself of the sound of his sharting when he went to the bathroom and wouldn’t turn on the fan. FUCK.