DAY 108

I have baked my first ever batch of edibles from home, all on my own. I used Purple Haze which is a hybrid-sativa dominant and made chocolate chip cookies. The whole process of making the butter was easy, but it took quite some time. Because I’m in an apartment, I was really worried about the smell, but the smell only lasted throughout the de-carbing process, which was about 30 minutes. After that, it just smelled strongly of butter. I was craving popcorn BAD.

Making the cookies was easy. I just made a normal cookie recipe with the butter. I didn’t make them vegan for my vegan friend to have, just because I was worried about them not being particularly appealing to eat. She might make exceptions for my cookies, as she did with the cookies our guy friend made a couple weeks back. Plus, she won’t have to consume much of it, as you’ll learn…  

The verdict?

Appearance: 10/10 Very adorable looking cookies. Chocolatey chippy. You can see little flecks of weed in, but you could easily confuse them for texture.

Tastes: 6/10 Very weedy tasting but not gross. I like the taste of weed but some might not.

The High: Very potent. Based on the fact that I ate half a cookie, the high was WAY too much. I should have only had a single bite of the cookie and waited, but I thought, oh, half a cookie, not a lot… How very, very wrong I was. 

The entire high was very cerebral, but I couldn’t tell if my thoughts were intelligent or not. I couldn’t really bounce them off of anyone to know for sure if they were big insights into anything. Considering I was watching the Bachelor, I would say, probably not. I was mostly noticing how awkward and imperfect falling in love looks like in real life. And just how bullshit it all felt. Like love is actually this very ugly, illogical thing that we do and place all these expectations on it to be this fairy tale story. But it’s actually embarrassing, horny, stressful, frustrating... And not just because it’s the Bachelor, but it’s how I felt trying to date people. I related so deeply to Elyse, who left the show because she didn’t feel good about having such a powerful connection to Colton while he kept giving time away to other women. Yes, that is the entire premise of the show, but I have felt that pain of wanting someone so badly and them not being able to meet you halfway. Elyse had reached a point in life where walking away is the strongest thing she could do for herself. The other women would wait to get dumped because they are far more naive about a love like that actually working out. You’re so forced to get to a fucking proposal and men are worse at choosing good matches for themselves than women are, that’s the track record. Bachelors almost always fuck up their final choice, the only and only exception being Sean Lowe. Sorry for all these random name drops, but like, everyone really already knows this. It’s for good TV, it’s not for sustainable relationships.

I just started to feel, in the midst of my high state and watching all of this, that I can’t imagine staying in love with anyone for the rest of my life. At least not in any permanent, fairy tale way. And I have to accept that my love for someone may dissolve, and to appreciate the moments where it does occur, and cherish them. Cherish the moments I was in love with all my past exes, despite all the mishaps and shortcomings. I’d rather have loved for a short amount of time than not at all. But it sucks. I don’t want my feelings to change for people. it hurts me that my heart changed so quickly on my last boyfriend. I loved him solidly for a year, but when I moved, I just couldn't hold onto it. I'd made this jokey promises that we'd last another 10 years, but I couldn't possibly make a promise like that. No one can promise that. And maybe others will fulfill their promises. But can I? I’m doubtful. Fuck. I’m sad about that. Maybe I can prove myself wrong someday… I want to be able to love someone till I die, but my track record shows how unlikely that is. I’m a changeling. And other people change too. People divorce, get old, have mental issues, get injured, others in their life die, and you have to ride all that through and hope that the love you have with someone can make it through all that shit.

Those are just a few of the insights from my high. Many more of them were bleak, like imagining how painful dying slowly must be. Yeaaah... Ew.  

Also, half a cookie? Way too much. Never again! I should have taken one bite. Literally. I was still high at work until noon the next day. Functional by then, but still very heady.

BUT!

Overall: 10/10

I’m very pleased with them, and the fact that I can basically get high 100 times on the amount of cookies I made, pretty solid. I will share them around with friends so I don’t keep this wild ride all to myself. I would like to use them to explore more of my surroundings and come to further insights. I hope they are less bleak than what I came to last night. I’ll try to watch something that more thought-provoking than the Bachelor of all things, right? :P Like going to a music show, or watching drag, one of my new favourite passtimes...

My main issue with getting high before a night out is just my energy level. At a drag show, I found myself really mentally engaged by the show, but clapping or shouting felt like I was expending so much energy. I would basically golf clap with a stupid smile on my face. And at a music show, I would get so stuck in my head with the music, I would have to mentally force myself to move my body and actually dance. When I’m drunk, my body is like “yeaaaah, let’s move!” And I get so hungry. A few songs go by, I force myself to dance and then I just want to run across the street to the convenience store and eat Cheesies and Laffy Taffy. Purple haze isn’t supposed to be huge on increasing your appetite, but after a half of a cookie, I was ravaging through my cupboards. Thankfully I have very little food to gorge on immediately. Requires preparation, which high me was incapable of doing.

Maybe I just need to re-adjust when I get high versus drink. I LOVE getting high and watching a show or a movie. One day, me, B and C got high and binged watched the entire season of You on Netflix in one day and just had the most fun, and the show itself was cerebral enough for engaging our high brains too. Even just an evening by myself, home alone after work on a day where nothing is going on can become a really fun, exciting night. I’ll order something delicious from uber eats, like Indian, and just scream in pleasure over the increased deliciousness, and my wonderful life choices. One week, I got high every single night and every single night was so much fun. And every morning, I’d feel well-rested, and 100% pleased with myself. No bad side effects, nothing.

I don’t know if I am overdoing it though. I could be. Maybe I need to spread it out so that I don’t become too reliant on weed for fun. I’m just not too sure I can resist. I really enjoy being a pothead now that weed is legal though. I didn’t know this would be my fate, but I’m glad I found something I enjoy that isn’t as bad for my body as alcohol is. And edibles are my favourite way to get high. I don’t like how much smoke smells and how I have to bundle up for the freezing cold to smoke out on my apartment balcony. It’s also against the rules of our apartment building to smoke, so I’m really taking a risk every time I do it. Sure, edibles take longer to hit, but they are always so much stronger than having one joint, and my lungs don’t feel like shit, either.

I have been wondering if I offered my parents cookies, if they would try them. I know my dad has smoked weed before, in his youth, but my mom? I highly, highly doubt it. I want to give them the option, and just see if they’re open to it. My parents are in their 70s. My mom doesn’t drink, and my dad does very little. I honestly think they’d both really enjoy it, as long as they didn’t have too much. I think my mom would actually love it, and realize she has been truly missing out. One day, when the family gets together, I’ll bring them and see what happens. I wanted to bring them weed for Christmas, but I didn’t have edibles at the time so I didn’t.

I’ve also been trying to push my Youtube channel out there more. After going to the Youtuber Creator Group, I felt a bit more motivated. A friend also challenged me to make an ASMR video a day for a month straight. I think that would be a really good idea. I need the extra adsense money right now, and maybe some new subscribers will want customs. I just had a custom request for a Leather Jacket and gloves roleplay. He wants me to pretend to be a biker girl. How fun is that?! He literally ordered me the jacket, gloves, and aviator glasses from off of Amazon. I can’t wait to get them!  

That’s all that’s really new with me right now. Our work is throwing an 80s party this Friday, so I’ll keep you posted on what happens there. A drinkie or two? A cookie bite? We’ll seeeeee... I have the BEST dress to wear. Shoulder puffs and velvet. I need to do an ASMR 80s prom date roleplay... Yaaas!