DAY 122

Ahoy! I’m back at it again with the blog thing. I’m going through a weird time right now. I’ve had some mood swings from reeeally happy to extremely pissed off, to extremely turned on to feeling empty inside. I’ve gone from feeling really sexy about myself and excited about all the possibilities to thinking I’m the ugliest piece of trash and I don’t deserve all the good things I have. It’s weird... But I think I’m on an upswing. I actually think the negativity has a lot to do with the weather because when it’s miserable outside, I feel like it really drags me down, and when it’s nice and sunny, all feels right with the world again.

We moved our desks at work and I don’t know how mine is working out for me... I’ve been very distracted lately by where I am but also isolated because I’m facing away from the entire office, literally, staring into a corner. But I do have a window wall. I can see all the apartment balconies across the street and stare at total strangers throughout the day and try to pull myself out of it. But I’ll get stuck looking at someone and wonder who they are, why they are, and what in the fuck they are doing. One guy just sits on a chair for hours. He is hunched over in what looks like the most uncomfortable possible posture and just smokes pot and falls asleep like that. I feel like he’s just such a useless person but I also feel bad for judging him since I know nothing else about him. He could be sick, and treating something, like cancer, or I dunno, depression. Fuck, I dunno. I just... don’t understand and wish I did.

I’ve thought about making a pixel scene of the apartments and showing all these different balconies and the way people decorate their own personal one. I think it could be interesting, but I dunno if I’ll ever get around to it. I always have ideas for artwork in my head and don’t end up doing them at all.

I think I need to get out of the house more and be more social. I am social at least once a week, but I think I need more than that. Like 3-4 times a week, even if the socialness is an hour out of my day. I’m trying to hang out with my guy crush right now, which is probably a recipe for breaking a rule of mine, but I’ve decided that I’m not interested in following the no-sex, no-kissing rule anymore. I do want to stick with the no-dating rule, obviously, and no-dating apps, but it’s becoming clear that when I don’t explore my sexual desires, my brain goes a little haywire and I end up not really being my normal self. I think a regular fuck buddy every once in a while might be a nice alternative, but make it clear that, for the time being, friends with bennies is all I am about right now. This whole kink lifestyle thing has gotten me feeling like I need to explore this side of me. And this challenge is all about loving myself. I think this is a form of that, just an exploration of me, my needs, wants, and desires and there’s nothing wrong with having someone help me do that.

Time for a transition. This doesn’t mean I’m not working on me anymore. I have had FWB before where I didn’t fall in love. However, they sort of fell for me… Heh. And maybe if that happens, we’ll have to end that part of the friendship, like I did with the first guy. I felt so bad about that one actually. Storytime, he was a friend of a friend and a really cool guy. We weren’t just fuck buddies, we actually hung out without sex all the time. We would pass out on his couch cuddling watching It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia and that was awesome. When we slept together, it was in addition to having a fun day together, never just the sole thing we did. When he said he was falling for me, it was literally in a single instance. Every time beforehand, he felt like we were just good friends, but one night, when we were sleeping together, he kissed me differently, and I felt it. It was passionate. All of a sudden, it was like he was making love to me, and there was a stark difference in everything. It was actually soo fucking good. That is why I like vanilla sex, and I consider romantic sex to be vanilla. And he said in that second, he felt like he was falling in love with me. It’s funny how that happens. He tried sleeping with another girl, and I totally encouraged him, and he said it was going so well, but then he was stumped on me and it made things weird between them.

I actually think he’s a great guy but I just wasn’t ready for him. I think he wasn’t quite ready either, for a real relationship. He wanted one, but he needed to work on himself more than he needed a relationship. I think if he had more of his shit together, and wasn’t so desperate for a girlfriend, I would have dated him for sure. But I was like… 21 at the time, so, good thing I didn’t. I have had to learn a hundred-gillion things since.

So I think I’m emotionally ready for FWB. Possibly.. More than one? But hey, I don’t wanna push it. I’m ready and open for the potentials. Potentials, come at me! I am less picky about FWB than boyfriends. The bar is lower. I think… a FWB just has to be attractive to me, and has to be single or poly. No fucking cheaters. He has to be emotionally stable, and give really honest, open communication. He can and should be critical. He can be a fuckboy. I wouldn’t date a fuckboy, so that’s a major difference. He also just can’t be a piece of shit. Because of my demisexuality, I have to have some respect for you as a person. I think about this guy I went on a date with YEARS ago, and he was total trash, but he was very hot. His personality ruined any possibility of a FWB experience and it turned out that my feelings about his trashiness weren’t just me, but everyone, literally everyone who knew him either hated this guy, or tolerated him, all because he was attractive. The worst.

Aaanyway. I’m going to go to a drag show tonight. I’m all about the Drag Kings, you guys. I am straight, but I would hook up with a hot masculine woman/trans/non-binary person. I’m into it. Masculinity is all it takes for me, no matter who is emulating it.