DAY 182

Today is the 6th month mark... Yowza, a whole 6 months without an honest date. I feel like this is a good time to evaluate whether or not I want to continue. I think… I do. I want to keep going. I think I still have a lot more growing to do. I feel like there are a number of other things I could accomplish in another 6 months, like getting on stage for the first time, which I’m officially planning for June. I picked my drag name. I’m gonna keep it secret since this blog is mostly anonymous... And who knows how famous I’ll get :P I also want to work on getting my body in shape, specifically for drag. I’m probably going to take up a burlesque dance class with B. I also want to keep working on my self-esteem, learning up on polyamory, and strengthening my friendships. I feel like there’s a lot more I can do, but the drag thing is a good start since it’s A. expensive and B. probably going to change my life. I feel like once you start drag, you don’t want to stop. I’ve followed a number of lady drag queens on instagram and they just do more and more, and get better and better. It’s a commitment I’m going to have to work at. I will have to work on my body, my dance moves, my makeup skills, and especially my wardrobe. I can’t stop looking at amazing clothes online... Drools.  

Another note on the drag thing... I’ve told a LOT of people. I’ve got like... at least 10 people who are prepared to come to my first show. Even my boss wants to come, which I will conveniently forget to invite him because... It’ll be too weird, honestly. He’s never even been to a drag show, so I don’t want to expose him to it with me there doing it for the very first time. I do have some coworkers who want to be there too. So that adds to the intensity and pressure to be fucking amazing. I’m trying to think of it similarly to when I was a teenager preparing for a dance competition. I’m getting filled with adrenaline just thinking about it! 

Back to self-reflection on the last 6 months… I haven’t forgotten just HOW MUCH I miss dating. I did enjoy it, occasionally. It added some excitement into an otherwise boring week. But it also added a lot of disappointment, anxiety and frustration too. I wasted a LOT of time. Swiping especially. But that’s what dating is. Dating is something that requires a lot of time, and deciding that you’re open to adding someone new to your life and giving them a lot of your attention. I just don’t want to do that right now. I don’t want to disappoint someone else either.

I at least need another 2 more months without a date. I want to say I’ll make it to October, and I honestly, probably will. No one thought I’d make it this far. But May and June are going to be big deal months for me so I am gonna at least promise with absolute certainty that I’ll get to those two without a date. There’s just going to be a lot going on. May is literally gonna be jam packed with events. I’ve never looked at a month coming up and had so many things to do. It’s wild. I am going to a stagette, a wedding, May long camping, a sexy party, an award show, and a work all day event. It’s a lot for me. I go out of my way to not be busy. But these things will all be worth it. If they don’t kill me. And of course, June is my first drag show which makes it the biggest deal of them all.

I am going to hang out with a guy I met through the kink community. It’s NOT a date. I just feel like when I met him with my friend B, he was cool and I’d been having a hard time holding on to guy friends. I feel like he’s exactly the right type of guy to be an honest friend, not someone who’s like feigning friendship for some secret sexy/romantic agenda. At least, that’s the impression I got from him. I don’t have a problem with guy friends who want to have sex with me, but I guess I just want our friendship to involve so much more than that, and maybe if sex wasn’t an option, then the friendship could be the more important factor. I don’t know... Is that dumb? We’ll see. I’ll let you know how that goes! Aight, I’m out.