DAY 186

The lady at H&R Block seemed shocked that, at 27, I was single, unmarried and had no kids yet. I had to tell her multiple times that yes, I am alone, all alone, and here I am, adulting up with my taxes that I can do without the help of a man or parent. For real. I did some very grown up things today. I got checked out at the sexual health clinic and oh GOD (as I remember agreeing to do a rectal swab) was it very grown up. It’s dumb how scared I was to go. I got my blood drawn, my vag swabbed for cancers and the clap, my throat swabbed too (because oral sex) and my bum. Yep. Cause I haaaaave tried anal. Like 7 years ago. I didn’t even want to try anal, but I was pressured into it, and since I liked this guy, I let him try it on me. It ended very badly, to be honest. Sorry for the TMI now but fuck it…

ANAL STORYTIME. So he was dumb enough try to go in without a condom, and admitted I was very drunk and probably shouldn’t have gone home with this guy. But I was just so smitten at the time, mostly cause he was older, and cool, and for him to like me made me feel special, which I realize is bullshit now... he was missing a front tooth! Actually... he got punched once and a tooth got knocked out. I thought it made him sexy though, which is crazy, I know, but he was just that hot. I even licked the spot where he was missing a tooth and it was sooo cool, you guys. So cool..... Ugh. I’m weird. Aaaanyway, he went in and I was freaked cause I just felt like I was going to shit. So I made him stop and I went to poop quickly but like almost nothing came out. I then realized that taking it anally FEELS like you’re shitting! God. So I went back and he tried again and I actually enjoyed it (who doesn’t like pooping) but then he was acting weird. He stopped, left the room and was gone. I thought maybe I screwed something up. I didn’t make a mess or anything. It was fine. What was his problem?! Well apparently, he said that he couldn’t come. Because his dick had poop in it. In the dick hole. I’m serious. He was gone for a fucking hour and I was drunk and stupid that I started crying. I called my friend, got dressed and I ran out of his place. I never went back there again. I asked him what happened the next day and he told me the story. He was gone for an hour and I told him I thought he had abandoned me after I’d let him do something really intimate for me. But yeah, he never talked to me again. It was just bad after that. So even though my first and only anal experience was (literally) shitty, and I felt pressured by him to try something I wasn’t ready for, there was revenge over it by him being stupid, not using a condom and getting all packed up like that. He kinda deserved it. So! I’d just never had my booty checked for STIs although I’m sure if I had anything there, it would be in my hoohaa as well over the years. God damnit, I forgot I had done that.  

Then, I did my taxes. 2017 and 2018 because my 2017s did not get processed for some reason. I ended up owing $276 and I didn’t have it. I was so embarrassed, I had to call my mom. She told me she could send me money tomorrow and they were okay with that. I’ll get that paid off and then I can finally get all the backpay of GST I’m owed for being a poorer type of person. Right?! So yeah... My debt problems are bad. I don’t even have savings. It’s the worst. I need to pay off this credit card which I let get bad. And I had to cancel the URL hosting for this blog because I need to save the money. I just need to be more responsible and I can do that by setting some new ground rules. I am not allowed to order Uber eats anymore. I can use Uber but only when necessary. Extra money I get from ASMR will go towards paying off my credit card debts. Not for goodies. Except for a wig. I need a drag wig! Or two...

I just need to be smarter about money. And also about my body. I need to take care of myself properly. I deserve to live prosperously and well equipped for my future, not poor and reckless. If only I had a boyfriend but alas... sure we would both save to live together but we would also combine our debts, wouldn’t we?

I got preeeetty high today after it started snowing a blizzard here and I decided not to leave my apartment. Not that I can afford to for a few days. Bleh. I am managing to get my life to be cheaper though. I am finding excuses around spending extra money which is great. Tricks and tips to saaave. Drink water. Get high instead! (I still have a lot of weed cookies). Get a cheap thrift store dress instead of buying a new beautiful one online! My dress for my award show next week was $9. I’m also going to wear it to the wedding I promised. It would also make a really great drag dress. It’s so good.

I hung out two nights in a row with my massage therapist. She’s awesome. She is trying to help introduce me to some drag queens she knows and help get my advice. I’m excited! I need some sisters to show me the way!

And, if I’m being fully honest with myself right now, I am DESPERATELY craving going on a dating app right now. It’s because I am so so bored! I want some attention! I want someone to adore me. God, I miss that. I shouldn’t complain. M made me feel adored a week ago. He was all up in my business. I need to let it go that I need a man’s attention right now but I do! I’m just feeling needy for some reason. I cannot give in though. But it feels like winter is coming back and making me want to go back too... or skip ahead to fall again. Fall back into old patterns though? Ugh. I don’t want to. I mean I want to but it’s like ignoring the fact that being on those apps feels shitty. It’s like... prove to me that you’re good enough to waste some time with! And it can take 100 dates to find a proper match for me. Or I can continue to be my annoying self and someone who isn’t perturbed by what I am or what I do can endure my love. Blah.

I could type forever while this high but I need a new day to come. I’m gonna sleep really good knowing that things are slowly getting better. I’m getting more adult with each year and closer to a point in life where I’ll never call my mom and ask for money again. I’ll be buying vacations every year with my friends cause I have the budget and room for it. I’ll be living in a nice home, with a dog, or a fancy rat or a hairless cat and I’ll be so stoked on life, still a spinster. I’ll be a drag superstar too, hopefully, who’s made an indie video game everyone loves, with a corresponding graphic novel, because I’m that good. And I’ll also have like 7 boyfriends, one for each day of the week. I’ll clearly live in a parallel dimension too where all these things are possible. Let’s just jump realities already, and get there. That’s the dream.

Okay I am good and high. I should go to bed now. Yarhhhgh