DAY 51

I got invited to a third speed dating event with this company because I failed to find anyone at the first two events. The first one literally had 5 guys there, only one who seemed within my standard age range, and it was SO brutal because each fucking date was 7 minutes long, 6 minutes and 57 seconds longer than I needed to find out it was not going to be a match. They do say you decide you’re attracted to someone in 3 seconds of meeting them. By they, I mean, I heard it somewhere and cannot for the life of me remember where, and I’m not even sure it’s true but I believe it.

The second round I went, when they invited me back, I figured… Why the hell not? It was within 2 minutes of my apartment and maybe I could convince my friend to come and we can laugh about how we’re going to be alone forever. She wasn’t able to make it but you know who was? 2 of my guy friends. Yeah... They were 2 of my dates. The. Fuck. And TWO other guys happened to be from the first fucking event so like.. Christ. There were only 11 dudes, and 4 of them off the bat were already hard nopes.

One of the guys I’d met previously was so creepy, he actually showed me a list of all the messages he had been sending me for months and a screenshot he took of my bumble profile. I think I might have said yes to him out of curiosity and not out of attraction, so that’s why he had my number. But the weird thing is, I don’t remember blocking his number at all, so I wonder if he was harassing the wrong girl with the same name. Awkward.

Of all the guys at the second event, only one peaked my interest, but I apparently didn’t peak his. He wanted us to guess each other’s names, and he guessed Debbie... DEBBIE! I’m sorry to anyone named Debbie, but like… Debbie isn’t an instinctually hot girl’s name. I guessed that his name was Nick. Nick is HOT. If I wanted to match his name choice for me, I’d have gone with like.. Horace or something. His real name was something basic and unmemorable like… Mark. Or Eric. It’s all good though. I was reaching with this one anyway. Too hot for me...

I rejected the invitation this time, obviously. I wonder if I went again and made no matches if they’d invite me back for a fourth time. That would be so depressing. Imagine going back again and going on the same dates with the same dudes you already rejected.

So the joint birthday party was really fun actually. I got QUITE high on an edible. I disappeared into my mind and had a lot of really cool insights. I have flashbacks to my childhood while I’m high. I actually have flashbacks on the regular, but when I’m high, it’s constant. If you’ve never experienced a flashback, it’s just pattern recognition being overlaid onto reality. Like being in a bar reminds me of every bar I’ve ever been in that has stuck to my memory in some way. Being near a stage reminds me of every stage I’ve ever stood near or on in my past, real, or dreamt. It’s WILD. I’ll remember being at a live show as a 3 year old kid watching Barney live. I’ll remember being in my elementary school auditorium in an assembly, and subtle things like the way the projector light bounced off the ceiling. I’ll remember dancing ON STAGE when I was 14 years old to “White and Nerdy” solo, looking out at other dancer kid moms and being filled with the most exciting adrenaline I’d ever felt. Yes, I used to dance hip hop... I was cool once. I have flashbacks a couple of times a day or week, but when I'm high, it's literally every few seconds. It's wild. It feels like a little super power.

Another insight is why I still think I’m such a child, and it’s because my parents were older when they had me. My mom was 44 and my dad was 50. So when I think of being a proper adult, I think of being 50+ years old. Isn’t that weird? I can’t detach my idea of being adult with being their age when I was a kid, so I wonder if there’s going to be a wall where I’m like, “oh, I’m an adult now!” I tell myself I am, at 27, but it still doesn’t feel real yet. Even calling myself a woman feels strange, but I force myself to because girl doesn’t feel right anymore either.

I dropped some hilarious quotes, at least they felt hilarious when I was high! My favourite one:  

"I feel like I'm the main character in a really bad hallmark movie."  

Another between me and a bestie of mine: 

Me: "I keep avoiding eye contact with him." (Referring to a guy who I always flirted with previously at parties.)

Her: "Good. Avoid it. You're in a world of bland conversation."

We cackled at that one, cause it's true. As soon as he started talking to me, I gave her the “here we go” eyes.

The guy whose eye contact I tried to avoid, I ended up calling out and insulting in front of a group of our friends. The guy kept apologizing to me about something he did at a party a couple months ago and I was like “it’s fine, I don’t care.” Actually, I didn’t care because I didn’t even remember it happening. I’m not going to say what it is, but I kinda thought it was hilarious, and I asked for it, so, clearly, I didn’t care. He would not shut up about it. It was clear that he A. felt guilty about it and B. didn’t have anything else to talk about with me, but kept wanting to talk to me. I finally just said, “hey dude, I don’t give a shit. If you wanna apologize to someone, why not apologize to your girlfriend, who you’ve cheated on.” It was a total mic drop moment. It felt awesome. He still wouldn’t stop saying “sorry” after and I just rolled my eyes and ignored him. He will not be invited to future events according to the friend who invited him. He’s apparently a really great guy when sober, but his drunk persona is deeply unpleasant.

I can't go into detail as to all the shit that went down this entire weekend, but what I can say is that Sophie did not come out and I behaved exactly how I wanted to. I had a blast, but I also had some really life-changing thoughts and realizations about myself. It has a lot to do with the chunk of weed chocolate I ate, which is always appreciated.

One moment, a guy friend came up behind me and in the sweetest way, pointed to a couple of our friends dancing with each other all cutesy-like said "one day, that's gonna be you. You'll find someone amazing, I know it." And my first instinct was to laugh and say "ew." I was obviously kidding but in a way I was like, no, like genuinely, I don’t need that. I was happy to be in the moment and not trying to imagine a future where someone loved me. I just loved myself and thought, gosh, I don't need anyone to love me like that. That's not my story. My story is unfolding right now and my life isn't going to start when someone finally falls in love with me. It was so empowering because I know my friend was trying to encourage me not to give up on love because he's a total romantic, but I was in this perfect spot where I had all the love in the world I'd ever need. I sound so fucking cheesy right now but it was so true. I even told my other friend that if I died tomorrow, I'm not going to feel like anything I've done up until now was a failed life. It's all been a wild ride and I have loved being a part of it. I'm so much less wrapped up in what little kid me thought she was supposed to be doing with her life. I've let it all go. I'm just letting this story unfold in the most organic, authentic way and it's blowing me away just how happy I am now that I'm free from my own expectations. This is a place I feel like only old people get to after a long hard life of lessons and heartbreak, and shit, I'm already here? That was fast. Guess I'll die now.

I DID have chances to flirt and have fun with some guys but I obviously chose not to. One guy was talking to me like he was intrigued by how much I was ignoring him. I was like “dude, I’m high.” But I guess I ignore him at other events too which he called me out for, mostly cause one of my friends said he was a douche head, or some other less pleasant word. He seems to have gotten a little less douche-head-like. My other friend called him Marky Mark Wahlberg and now I can’t stop referring to him as Marky Mark. I don’t even think he looks like Mark Wahlberg, it’s just funny. And some of the guys I might have normally flirted with turned out to be less than desirable after some of the weekend's activities. I had to watch my best friend get disappointed by someone I encouraged her to explore and that really bothered me. I will find one red flag about a dude and then cancel him. I don’t know if she’s gonna go for it with him again in the future and give him another chance. I think she might. Hopefully he doesn’t disappoint again.

I found out, in reference to my last blog, about the guy who my co-worker wanted me to meet aaaand... I’ve already met him. He’s literally an old coworker who got let go (or fired?). He comes to some of our events still, and he used to date one of the girls in my department but she dumped him. A few other coworkers have described him as a man whore. That doesn’t surprise me because he’s very attractive. I actually found him on Hinge back when I was still using dating apps and messaged him… He never replied. I think all I said was “hey, I’ve met you before!” Oh well. When I first met him, he sat right beside me for an hour and never tried to talk to me. I thought he was gay, not because he wasn’t talking to me but because he was talking to our gay coworker the whole time. So I’m not so bummed about missing my co-worker’s party over the guy, just missing out on her, and her awesomeness. She took me to a Dutch store this week with her to pick up some cheese, cause she didn’t want to go alone. It was nice to just hang out with her and do something mundane.

Well that’s all I got.