DAY 71
So I have been creeping my own Youtube channels, I have 3 of them. One is my ASMR channel which has nearing 4k subscribers. I have my video gaming channel where I upload myself playing games, and then I have my oldest youtube channel full of my old vlogs and singing videos from when I was 19-21. It’s kinda crazy to go back and watch my old content. There are virtually NO views on them. I’m the same person basically, but probably slightly better looking back then... Hmmm. But I'm still putting myself all over the internet, sharing my life stories with the world. I sometimes judge myself for it. It probably seems like I'm deeply conceited to have all these avenues to share shit with total strangers, but I guess I’m just a perfect product of my culture. Everyone is self-absorbed in some way. My way is trying hundreds of different things and seeing if any of them work, or help anyone else. Maybe it's all a huge waste, but at least it keeps me busy from feeling totally alone most of the time.
I found an old video of me and my ex-boyfriend, who I broke up with almost exactly a year ago. I made it as a gift for him for our 1 year anniversary and it makes me a little teared up to watch it. I take videos for One Second a Day, so when the end of a year wraps up, I can watch it and review all the things that happened. And when I gathered all the videos of me and my ex, it made a pretty cute video. I shared with some friends, and one friend said he looked really happy. Ugh. I was happy too. He was a good boyfriend. But I don't feel the same way. All those old emotions feel like a different person was emoting them, not me. When I’m ready, I’ll share that relationship story in a blog, but I’m just not there yet.
TODAY is the FIRST DAY OF JAN. It’s now 2019 and a new year, new me, sis. It’s weird cause I feel like my New Year’s Day is gonna be October 22nd, 2019, when this no dates challenge is over and I will start getting laid again, hopefully, so today doesn’t feel very significant. But it’s nice to review all the things that happened this 2018, so let’s do that.
I started a Youtube channel with now 3.6K subscribers. I broke up with my best ever ex-boyfriend. I fell in and out of love with a drug addict. I was unemployed until April. I got 3 different job offers. I accepted a new job at a really awesome company. I went speed dating 5 times. I met my first hairless cat and LOVED her. I got water dumped on my head by an ex’s wife, which was wild and a story for another blog to come! I slept with like 3 of my guy friends in the same friend group... Wow. I went to a fuck ton of concerts. I went camping twice. I had not one, but two different threesomes, having never done one before. A girl I was hanging out with regularly just randomly stopped wanting be friends with my group of friends anymore. I went to my first wedding ever. I visited a friend who was diagnosed with cancer in the hospital. I moved apartments. I got to see Bob the Drag Queen. I started wearing my naturally curly hair everyday. I started a crochet business. And I gave up on dating for a year.
I did create my One Second a Day for 2018. It’s weird to watch because some days felt like forever ago, and some days felt like yesterday. I watch as people come and go out of my life. Some weeks that are full of crazy adventures and then some where little to nothing happens and I’m just grinning into the camera. I made one very dramatic second, and it feels weirdly placed haha but it quickly gets pushed aside for happier ones. It’s weird to sum up one whole day in a second. But how can your brain hold on to all 365 days of the year? It just can’t, so sometimes one second is enough. I also rewatched the 2017 one, where my hair goes from blonde to gray to blue to purple to pink, then purple, then lilac, then green then purple again, then black. And just all the damn fading in between. I managed to maintain black hair all year for 2018 with some added ombre to the ends, but still, very much black hair.
I shared the 2018 video with some girlfriends who I spent the majority of 2018 with and they really liked it. I shared it in this other group chat that I’ve been purposely neglecting with tepid response. It was awkward, honestly. I only share that video with a small group of people, the people who are actually in it, so it was kinda a big deal to have it ready and to share it with them. It's kinda this weird way of exposing yourself to people, and I was just pretty stunned that no one but my two closest friends had anything to comment on it. I just wanted to die, and like it hurt my feelings. And I guess I have just been gathering reasons over the last month to finally get the nerve to push me over the edge and leave the chat, and this might be it. Just little things here and there that make me feel like I'm being ignored, or left out. Like I know I have been left out on multiple occasions, and it's just.. ugh, uncomfortable. I know not everyone used the group chat to be social, but I kinda did, because I don't have a significant other or a job that takes up most of my life, so I needed that group some days. I wish I didn't have to explain to people that sharing myself like that, or being a part of this friend group had meant a lot to me this past year. It used to literally get me through a day at work and not feel so alone. And I kinda thought that the people who used the group chat and talked often enough were solid friends, and it would mean we would all get included into things, but I was wrong. I have put a lot of emotional energy into that group chat and its apparent that it's draining me. I think it's time to leave so I can get rid of some of the anxiety that I have over it all.
I don’t know if this is real, or in my head, but ever since I started the no dating challenge, a lot of men don’t find me interesting anymore. Guys don’t seem to actually want to be just friends with me. And whether or not that is because they had secret expectations of sex or more or if they just don’t connect with me on a friendship level, I don’t know. But I used to have guy friends and now I have a couple very loose, barely-hang-out-with-me guy friends. And maybe that's my own fault. Maybe I'm too brash, bitchy, snarky, annoying, self-absorbed, or just boring... I dunno. Without my magical vagina powers, do I just generally repel men? Maybe. I have a pretty strong personality when you really get to know me and my sense of humour is a bit different. I could go off on all the reasons why I might not be the kind of regular, platonic female friend a man would want to be friends with, but I just don't know why. Maybe it's time to seek out some therapy this year. It makes me uncomfortable to think about ever doing such a thing but I should.
I went on a mushroom trip with some friends this past weekend and it was amazing. My friend guided the whole thing and she asked me to lay down and close my eyes and I felt like a child at naptime, full of giggles, and can't sleep. But when I finally did curl up and close my eyes, I ended up just getting in touch with my childhood self and this feeling like I want to be taken care of. And I miss being taken care of. I took the 5 love languages quiz a few weeks ago and my top love language is acts of service, as in, I prefer people to love me through acts of service. When I think about how I was loved as a little kid, it was my mom taking care of every little thing for me. I was the baby of the family and so a huge majority of my identity is tied to being the baby, and being young, small and silly. It was just this really incredible realization that deep down, I just wish someone would love and take care of me, but now that I am a grown up, I have to be my own caretaker now. So I need to start loving myself with acts of service. And if I do ever find someone to love me someday, that this is an important part of what makes me feel loved, by having some of the heavy burdens of being an adult lifted off my shoulders. I was really drawn to Mr. Rogers this year ever since his new documentary was announced and I realize now that it's because Mr. Rogers was just this person who never wanted kids to feel alone in the world, that he would help them learn about the scary things that you'd have to deal with when you reach adulthood. I need Mr. Rogers still, sometimes. I get emotional just thinking about it. I still haven't watched the documentary because I know it's gonna make me bawl to death. I gotta do it though, this month. Maybe even tomorrow.
2019 is going to be a weird year, I think. I’m already expecting things to change in a dramatic way and I can't take a guess at whether it's good or bad. I want to focus more time on the people who want me to be a part of their life, than the people who keep me on the sidelines. I think I made a conscious effort this past year to try to combine friend groups and it didn’t really pan out. I am going to try to make a few new friends. It’s gonna be weird and hard, but I’m just going to try to put myself out there and be less afraid of embarrassment. I want to push myself into really uncomfortable and scary places. Do it for the blog. Hey, if it goes horribly wrong, it’ll make a great story, right? I’m gonna try to meet up with the Youtuber community in my city, and try to rekindle my friendship with a guy who I feel like I wasn’t a very good friend to. I want to go skating, and karaoking and more concerts. I want to build strong female friendships. If a man wants to be my friend too, he is welcome, but platonic only! Anyway. Bye. It's passed my bedtime.
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UPDATE:
I watched the Mr. Rogers "Won't you be my neighbour?" documentary and cried like 6 or 7 times. It was very good. It wasn't this totally unbiased story either, there were some points where they showed the criticism he received and it hurt me to my core because I know Mr. Rogers only had good intentions. I want to live more of my life being as kind-hearted and empathetic as Mr. Rogers. I wished there was a little bit more about Lady Elaine. She is one sassy puppet! But I can always Youtube search for Lady Elaine. There is a Facebook group that I joined for people who love and want to discuss Mr. Rogers related things, and I had joined in last year when I first learned about the documentary, and there are so many Lady Elaine fans. It's so great. There are lots of old episodes of Mr. Rogers on Youtube too. I know it sounds so childish and lame but he really does bring my spirits up. If I ever change my mind about having children, I want my kids watching him. I will be watching too, and probably crying because I just adore him so much. Ohh my Grinchy little heart just grew 10 sizes.