DAY 161

A year ago today, on April Fool’s day, I had the worst day in a really long time. It was when I realized that J, the guy I’d spent the last two months falling in love with, wanted nothing to do with me anymore. And not in a way that was even clear. I spent a lot of time telling him how I felt and he responded with barely anything except an “I’m sorry.” It’s crazy to think that in one year, I’ve gotten a new job, started a new side hustle (crochet), moved apartments, gave up on dating, decided to do drag, and a bajillion other new things that I have all been massive improvements on my life. And I cried and cried that day, feeling so broken, so unwanted, and so unworthy to feeling now like it was supposed to be this way. I had to remind myself that day that in one year, I wouldn’t be this hurt. I’d be long over it and feeling back to my old self again.

I read somewhere recently that when you write long messages to a guy, he doesn’t care. You can write all the poetry, pleading and hoping for him to reciprocate or you can realize that men like that will never change and will be more annoyed by it than anything, no matter what you say. It’s a waste of your time to try to convince him otherwise. Unless he’s chasing you, he does not want you. Unless he’s writing the long messages, he probably isn't reading what you wrote. It was probably scrolled through to the bottom because he was just dying of cringe at the patheticness of it all. So in remembering that all he said was “I’m sorry,” the overwhelming odds are that he didn’t read it.

When I realized this it was like a gut punch. If he didn’t, that means it was all a massive waste of time. I'd spent an entire day and a half writing him a novel (you know me). I never want to waste my time on a guy like that. I am terrified of it happen again, because I had been so blindsided. I couldn't have predicted that outcome, because I ignored the red flags. I know that’s partly why I’m doing this challenge. Being crushed like that is extremely painful. I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t sleep. I felt so humiliated. But as one does as you get older and deal with heartbreak for the umpteenth time, you get back up and you clean his cum off and you get fucking hold of yourself. You remember who you were before him and that you can be her again. You can also be all the wonderful things you were when you were with him, just not FOR him anymore. You be that amazing, funny, smart, good-in-bed, boss ass bitch you were, because he wasn’t the one who made you all those things. You were always that girl. He doesn't get any credit for it.

I’m running away to Mexico shortly. I can’t wait to just relax and not have to worry about anything, except whether I’m wearing enough sunscreen on my pasty ass. I want to practice learning to death drop and cartwheel because I think it would be amazing to do on stage. Also should probably do some yoga and working out cause that shit is fucking hard and my body is very out of shape. On Friday, my coworker and I tried to learn to cartwheel because neither of us have ever cartwheeled before. Our other coworker was showing us and it was super helpful. The shocking part was finding out how painful cartwheeling positions can be on your body come 2 days later when all those weak, sad muscles are like “but you never move like that!” I had never felt so sore but it’s a good sore so stop complaining. I still didn’t do a legitimate cartwheel because it was hard but I’ll keep practicing. I’ll practice on the beach.

I hooked up with another old guy friend and it was, finally, actually good. The coolest thing was how I was able to discuss with him that I’m being very detached from romance and sex right now and he was so cool about it. We have a rapport that demonstrates how friends can truly have benefits without falling in love and we can cuddle and it’s like this fearlessness that he’s not going to try to make me his girlfriend. It’s just very clear that we can do this without making it weird. It’s amazing. My old, old FWB doesn’t make me feel that way. He’s quite romantic so I can imagine him getting attached. I really don’t need that right now.

I’m getting closer and closer to the halfway point. 6 months of no dating! It’s wild. I can’t believe I have gotten this far without being suckered in. I have had my crushes and had sex, but I’ve been able to maintain this distance with it that makes my goals in this challenge still highly achievable. I just don’t want to be a slave to my own heart. I want to be ready when the right person arrives into my life with all my shit set right.

My next big goal is financial. I need to get better with money. Money is my biggest struggle. I think it’s time to ask for a raise, now that I’m at 1 year at my job. I want to try to fix my credit card debt and get all my taxes up to date. That’s super important. So yeah. That’s my newy updates. I might not update until after Mexico. I’ll probably write out some blogs but not post them until I get back. I’ll have a lot of free time on my hands for that.

Okay, love you. Bye.