DAY 134

Sooo… Rules have been broken, and I’m happy about it, damn it! I broke the no sex/no kissing rules, which, since they’re self-imposed rules, I’m not gonna punish myself. I mean, it’s old me versus current me being annoyed? Not really. I think it just became clear that the sex/kissing rules weren’t going to destroy the whole challenge. The point, ultimately, is to focus on myself, and sex can still be a form of focussing on myself. In a sort of “Samantha” way, from Sex and the City. When Sam has sex, it’s for her own pleasure, and it’s like this purely self-indulgent thing. It’s not about needing anyone. She was always very confident about what she likes, wants, and doesn’t like or want, and anyone who didn’t meet her needs was pushed aside for someone else who did. So I don’t consider me breaking this rule a way of me giving up on the challenge and becoming co-dependent with anyone. I’m still independent af, and don’t need the dick. It’s a very selfish thing, honestly.

Okay but anyway, so sex has been had. I’m gonna keep the details to a minimum and just say that I enjoyed myself and would do again. And I’ll just say that I’m already incorporating polyamory into my life again (sort of) because there was… More than one. In one weekend. Not together though. Two separate men. Two different evenings. Ya girl’s still got it.

Listening to the V. Single podcast, and Alexandra’s stories, she kinda inspires me to be more open to a single, openly sexual lifestyle. She has a number of FWBs on the side that she calls on in need, has no romantic feelings for any of them, and keeps herself detached from anything serious coming about. That’s where I feel like I’m at in my life. I want to explore sex without feelings, and be very clear that that’s what’s happening with the people I’m exploring with. I know it’s always possible that feelings will develop, but that there’s no pressure right now. I have had a few FWB relationships in the past with at least two guys who were regular for a few months, and I would say that I handled those fairly well. What I like most about those is that you aren’t as focused on being something they might want to date.

Maybe that’s how I should approach all my relationships with men, as if I don’t have a vested interest in them wanting to be with me. Then I can fully by myself without any filters or fears, because I won’t be heartbroken if it eventually ends, which it probably will. And if it turns out they do really like me, it will be based on liking the REAL me and not the me that comes out when I’m trying to be extremely impressive. I do catch myself withholding information from men I like a lot because I’m afraid of scaring them away. But maybe that’s the wrong way to be. Maybe I should always be unapologetically myself, all the time. Share the sluttiness, share my crazy stories, share my desires, and my ugly side. Because if I’m ever going to end up with someone, they WILL see the ugly side, and they have to be okay with it, because they picked me. They get what they get and if they hate it, then at least I am not having my time wasted.

My new focus right now is weight loss though. Because Mexico is coming up in 1 month, I wanna shed a couple of pounds beforehand. But since I hate working out, I want to look for small, easy alternatives. Diet is more important than working out anyway. Here is a list of my tips I’m trying to stick to:

1. Take the stairs, elevators not allowed!
2. Drink more water so you have to get up to pee more often. Make sure it’s v. cold!
3. Keep your thermostat low.
4. Try to get 7-8 hours of sleep.
5. Eat more spicy foods, or add spice to non-spicy foods.
6. No alcohol (except for St. Patrick’s Day).
7. Eat more fiber, fatty and protein foods. Less carbs.

I dunno, I’m still looking for more. All these little things can really add up. I hope it works! I don’t have a scale in my house because I’m terrified to look at it, but I try to measure myself based on how I look in the mirror, and lately, I’m just a lot more disappointed than happy. My stomach is doing the muffin thing even first thing in the morning and it’s very upsetting. My biggest problem is how lazy I am. I’m just not a very fit person nor do I care to be. And whenever I tried to be fit, I didn’t care for the way my body would look with more muscles. It wasn’t something I was excited to see. I think my muscle composition is just odd. I already have very muscley legs, just naturally. I have never had skinny legs, ever. Not even as a kid. My calves have always been thick, no matter fucking what and I always stare at skinny women’s calves and wonder why the fuck my calves have so much juicy chub on them, no matter how skinny I am. I feel like my thick calves would make a delicious meal for a cannibal... No, but actually.  

The whole leg thing really stems from having someone comment on my legs once. An old coworker, talking behind my back, was telling people that yeah, I was attractive, but my LEGS! He said my legs were too thick. I had always thought it, but no one had ever said it out loud about me. It was just this confirmation that my legs are abnormal for my body. But at the same time, it’s like… That guy was not a good looking dude. At least not at the time. I found a pic of him on Facebook recently and he had a glow up but still, he was not hot at all then. It really bothered me that someone who put no effort into his appearance had the audacity to judge mine. My fat fucking juicy ass calves have been noticed, at my LOWEST WEIGHT, cause I was like 115 lbs at the time. I am now 150 ish pounds now, so for him to say that then... Ugh. HOWEVER. I need to remember that he was not someone I would have wanted to attract regardless. And for my own legs to be a factor in someone being less attracted to me just shows how fucking insecure that guy is. He was dating a girl with much larger legs than me at the time, and he dared to jab at something I can’t change. It’s so stupid. Grind my damn gears, you guys. My body is, for the most part, awesome. Sure, I could never be a instagram model cause my body is kinda boxy, but it works, it’s healthy, it’s cute enough, and it’s mine.

Maybe that’s a new thing I need to work on. Body positivity. Or maybe just body neutrality. Feeling neutral about my body rather than hating or loving it. Deciding that there are more important things than how my body looks. But I just can’t shake the fact that looks do matter to most people, and me especially. I’m an artist. Looks will ALWAYS matter to me, I’m sorry. I had a commenter talk shit to me about how I’m “shallow” about being pissed off over being catfished, and I was baffled. Really? You missed the point for one, but two, I don’t see anything wrong with being shallow. Attraction isn’t something you can really fight, and beauty is subjective. My best friend and I rarely find the same people attractive. And even then, when you do find someone attractive, beauty only gets you in the door, but it doesn’t get you a relationship. You have to have so much more going on than appearances. And less attractive people initially have grown on me to the point where they were attractive, so it’s not like I’m always this shallow person who can’t stand to give ugly people the time of day. Attraction isn’t just about looks, it’s about presence and confidence. I apparently needed to rant about this.

Anyway, I do want to look and feel more attractive and it’s for me! I want to look in the mirror and feel good. And a lot of days, I do. It’s these little things that I wish I could fix that I can work on and just try to fix while I’m still able. I appreciate other people who care about their appearances too. I wouldn’t want to be with someone who didn’t put in some effort to be presentable but also comfortable in their own skin. My ex always looked so good. Amazing outfits, good hair, asked me what he should wear, and tried to match me. I loved that about him. I’m happy to be shallow in that regard, so fuck that guy. Or girl. It was probably a 13 year old. I always assume that about mean comments. You MUST be a child.

I’ll let you know if I make any progress on losing a few pounds. But even if I don’t lose any before Mexico, I’m still gonna have a blast. I’m gonna wear bathing suits, I’m gonna wear crop tops, and I’m gonna be eat all the fucking tacos humanly possible. I deserve it.