DAY 28

So I’ll spilled some tea on two juicy stories of about exes in Day 10 and Day 12… I might as well pour you a pot on my absolute WORST ex. This is the one that fucked me up the most. This is the one that I will never reach out to again, because quite honestly, dude COULD be a psychopath. He at least had some heavy narcissism going on.

I’m going to call this particular ex D. I met D when I was 20 years old at a Halloween party at my University. I was going through an emo phase, with big, heavily backcombed jet black hair. That Halloween, I went as a vampire and wore white eye contacts and a tight red dress. Probably my sexiest halloween costume to date.

I was standing in line for a drink when I feel my ass grabbed. I turned around and it’s a girl I’ve never met before. She was hyperactive, and excitable. She told me that her guy friend thinks I’m really hot and I should come over and meet him. I looked at her wide-eyed. Who?

“Let me introduce you.”

She tugged me over to two guys. I was unsure which guy she was referring to. She gestured to a guy in a leather jacket, near black hair and styled spiky. He wasn’t dressed up, these were his normal clothes. I was pretty shocked to find out he was really attractive. I was expecting someone far less desirable.

Turned out that he is one year behind me in the same major, but also five years older than me, 25. He is British. As a female who had always had an exceptionally large crush on Ron Weasley from age 9-12, I was a sucker for the British accent. 

I headed over back to my friends to tell them what happened, but now I saw him leaving. For real? He’s going to just leave without taking my number?! Unacceptable! I turned to my friend and asked her if I should go after him. She yelled at me to hurry. So I go.

I literally ran.

“Hey! Wait! Don’t you want my number?”

He blusheds. “Yeah, actually, I do. Sorry, had to head out. Let me put you in my phone.”

He got my phone number and then leaves. He texted me at 3 in the morning.

“Hey! Nice chatting with you. Love to go for a coffee sometime.”

I laid awake in bed staring at this message with the dumbest fucking smile.

We decided to go for Tim Hortons. It went great. We talked for like 4 hours, laughing, getting to know each other, ordering rounds and rounds of coffee. I was INTO this guy. I was starting to already feel something special developing between us and could see it really going somewhere, even though it’s LITERALLY our first date. I was excited to finally have met someone who was as interested in me as I was in him.

So we went on a second date. This time, I took him to the restaurant I work at which happens to actually be really fancy. I was dressed up like it was a date. He started to let out some of his idiosyncrasies… One being that he forbids anyone he is dating to talk about other men’s attractiveness. This was weird to me because I don’t see the harm in pointing out the attractiveness of say… A male celebrity. He was vehemently against it. He didn’t want to know a person he was dating could ever think about anyone else but him. I shrugged off this conversation, even though it made me roll my eyes internally.

This wasn’t where things go badly. It was after the restaurant. I was sitting in the front seat of his car as he was smoking outside. He blasted the heat on for me and I was sitting getting cozy and feeling flushed and blushy. I was excited. I could already feel like we had a really good connection, and this guy was fucking insane hot. I couldn’t believe he’s into ME.

Then he leaned in to the front seat. I remembered this like it was yesterday because it was so fucking shocking.

“You know I have a girlfriend, eh?”

I stared. I laughed.

“What? No… Really?”

“Yeah. I do.”

 “You never mentioned that.’

“I didn’t realize this restaurant was fancy, and once I did, it became clear that you thought this was a date.”

“How was I supposed to know you had a girlfriend?! You never said anything!”

“Well, you never asked.”

“Why would I ask?! I assumed you were single this whole time, why else would we be hanging out like this?! This was so obviously a date! Our second date! Coffee was our first date!”

I was fuming. I could not believe this guy. He literally just told me what he doesn’t want a girl he’s dating to do, FAILS TO MENTION the girlfriend at the PERFECT MOMENT to mention it, and now, ONLY NOW, after the OBVIOUS has been SO CLEAR that I’m INTO HIM… HE TELLS ME HE ISN’T EVEN SINGLE. 

I can’t believe this shit. I can’t believe this guy.

The ride home was fucking awkward as hell. Silent. Neither of us spoke. He just took me home and dropped me off. I didn’t know what to say. I just felt so fucking duped. Did he not remember his friend grabbing my ass for him?! Because he thought I was super hot?! Like what else could this all possibly have been?! I have NEVER gone to coffee with a guy in a platonic way who I had just met. It just doesn’t make sense. This guy is full of shit.

He isn’t done with me though, no. He wants to persuade me to be his friend. I am skeptical because at this point, I already like him. I know hanging out with him more could go badly for me. But he is convincing. He says he likes me too and doesn’t want to lose out on a friendship with me. He thinks I’m really fucking cool. Girls like me are rare. (I hear this shit a lot, I know it’s a fucking line now, but when I was young, man did I ever fall for it).

I get persuaded. We went for Tim Hortons many times more. We told each other EVERYTHING. I mean everything. He told me about his girlfriend, how much they'd fight, how they almost broke up… All of his dirty secrets. He told me he thinks that they won’t last too much longer, like he’s trying to reassure me that maybe I will get my chance. I found this annoying. But now that I’ve found out he’s in my major, we bonded over professors, classes, and what we wanted to do with the rest of our lives. And because we were in the same major, we had access to a private computer lab at school with a room full of tvs and game stations. I was already meeting all of his other friends, many of them who are also in our major too. But never his girlfriend. He was hanging out with me more than he was with her in a few short weeks. It was weird. Is this girl even real? When does he ever see her?

One night, we were playing side by side video games on two tvs in the computer lab late on a Saturday. We are having so much fun, laughing and talking and flirting. We had bought snacks and drinks and he brought the movie Insidious. I love horror movies, but I’d already seen it. So has he...

We were watching this movie for about an hour and a half and it’s late. He and I are falling asleep, slowly. Our couch sitting turns into couch laying. And then I curl my body over towards his because the light was too bright, my excuse. He hugs me in close. Our faces are inches away. I think about how close our lips are to each other and tuck my face away from his. I want to kiss him so fucking bad. It’s killing me. But I can’t. Even this, what we are doing now, is questionable. I’m shocked it’s even happening. I pull my head back up from being protected because I can’t stop thinking about the possibility here. That maybe we can try it. See what happens. If he even really thinks about it and responds or if he will stay loyal. I’m testing this boundary now.

We were laying with our lips literally an inch away from each other for 15 minutes. I am debating this in my head the entire time. Should I do it? I so want to do it. We are cuddling already. We are so close. His body is fully pressed against mine. We are breathing on each other, and I know he wants to do it. It’s almost like he needs me to do it. He seems to be trying to get closer without fully taking the plunge.

So I do it. I kiss him. It was definitely me. I had to. I couldn’t hold back anymore. The kiss is amazing. It was so clear at this point that the both of us were two fucking idiots who thought being friends with each other while wanting to fuck each other was going to work. Nope. Never.

We make out for the rest of the movie. Through the entire credits. We don’t want to stop but finally do once the screen goes black.

We get up and start to leave. We talk about this kiss. We are giggling. We are both happy it happened. Giddy. But I am flustered and confused. I feel like we can’t do this. But I’m suffering from happiness as well. We part ways.

But then we spend more and more time together. I’m at a party with him and his really awesome friends who I really like. His girlfriend is nowhere to be seen. She never went to anything. All of his friends seem to have never really met her, or met her once or twice. As for me, they all liked me. They didn’t seem to have a problem with the clear and obvious fact that he and I were developing something. They weren’t blind to it. They knew.

D starts sneaking me into his house. He still lived with his parents and his sister. He didn’t want his sister to find out about me because it turned out she really likes his girlfriend. D snuck me in and out of his house on multiple occasions. This sneaking was extremely adrenaline inducing. I was fucking terrified but he was loving it. I spent the night multiple times. Despite all the making out we were doing, I didn’t want to have sex with him until he broke up with his girlfriend. He understands, but he still pushes. He wants it bad. He tells me his girlfriend doesn’t want to fuck much anymore. How is that my problem I wonder?

One morning, we are caught by his sister and she drives us back into town. Not in an angry way, as he has requested this, but it was awkward. It becomes very clear that his sister doesn’t approve and doesn’t like me at all. I get it. I’m the girl your brother is cheating on his girlfriend with. She is my age. She is extremely beautiful in an intimidating way. She is one of the most terrifying women I’ve ever met in my life.

D tells me some insane story about how she thinks I called her ugly on Facebook to her boyfriend a year previous. The comedy in that is just how out of character it would be for me to call someone ugly in an argument. And I would never call someone ugly who so obviously wasn’t. What happened was, I got into a stupid argument with this fucking horrible creep online and told him I thought his girlfriend could do better than him. The term ugly was never even uttered(or typed). That girlfriend happened to be D’s sister. And somehow that got translated to me calling her ugly. D didn’t seem to believe my story. He believed I would call his sister ugly for some insane reason. He actually liked his sister’s boyfriend. This guy was the scummiest misogynist I’d ever hoped not to meet, so when I found out D liked the guy, I thought there had to be something wrong here. That guy was trash. (Which the both of them would come to find out later, but at the time, they thought he was great somehow…)

D and I are fighting though. A lot. We disagree on religion. He is a Christian and I am an atheist. I was going through a phase at the time where I was reading a lot of atheist books and watching a lot of youtube videos about it. I was excited because I felt like I’d found a tribe. I was young enough at the time to have found all the new atheist stuff fun and cool. But D thought I was annoying. He wanted to argue with me. Not debate, just straight up yell at me about why I was wrong. It was an argument that wouldn’t end. He couldn’t stop poking and prodding the conversation again and again. And again, we would fight. I wanted to just let it go. I wasn’t trying to deconvert him, but the more and more he would push for these arguments with me, I could see that that’s exactly what I was doing. He acted as if I was dragging him out of religion kicking and screaming, but I was just answering his questions, giving reasons for why I thought the way I did, and being honest. I didn’t WANT to talk about these things anymore. I just wanted us to get along.

I finally decided enough was enough. I wanted out. It was mid December and D and I were done. He kept telling me he was going to break up with his girlfriend but he wouldn’t. He says he would try to but then they would get sucked back into it. I was getting so tired of his excuses. He wanted to try and keep up both relationships as long as possible. 

A week goes by since I try to end it. But he wants to hang out. He says he has a present for me and then we never have to hang out again. He bought me two atheist books. I am shocked but also pretty impressed. But I happen to already own one of the books he got me. He is very upset about this. He decides to take me in to find another book at Chapters, so we go together. I’m having fun with him and enjoying looking at books when a salesperson comes over. He asks what I would be looking for. I say non-religious books please. The guy is stoked. He’s an atheist too. He takes me to the section and shares with me 3-4 books he thinks I should read. D is watching this unfold and he’s not having it. He is extremely jealous. When the salesperson leaves, he says “Why don’t you and that guy start an atheist club? You can date him!” 

I laugh it off. At the time, I thought it was cute that D was jealous. He was in fact still dating his girlfriend and we were done cheating, so why was he acting like this?

It doesn’t take long though before D pulls me in again. I can’t resist him, you guys. The fire was hot. Every time. Even though we fought, we would make up and it would be amazing. I was getting those addiction feelings you get in a new relationship. The way your brain malfunctions and it’s like your high on a new drug. And the drug is this human being who you can’t get enough of. You start acting crazy. Obsessed. You want to spend every waking moment with the fucking guy.

But New Years was coming and D wasn’t ending things. He was going to spend New Years with his girlfriend. I didn’t get it. Why didn’t he just end the whole fucking thing and stop this mess? He wouldn’t stop talking about how badly he wanted to break up with her but then wouldn’t. He wasn’t ready yet. He wanted to give her one last chance. Over and over again. He needed more time apparently. I’d given him 2 whole months. I was getting impatient and it felt like it was never going to happen, I was just stupid.

It’s New Years Eve. I get wasted. I’m with my friends all night but I am on my phone. I’m bugging D. I am not proud of this night at all. I was obnoxious. I should have had someone take my phone away from me. I was calling and texting him all night long. I felt like he should have been with ME. I was pissed that he was spending it with her when he kept talking about breaking up with her. He ignores me the entire night. And then finally, he shuts off his phone.

I don’t know how the rest of the night goes, but I end up sleeping on a couch next to a guy who is interested in me. But all I can think about is D. I use my frustration with D and make out with this random dude. He is cute and fun to be around, but I was just sad and drunk and hurt.

Then I check my phone in the morning. D has finally replied. Turns out all my phone calls and texts were causing issues with D and his girlfriend. She asked him if he was cheating on her. And guess what? 

He tells her she is crazy and he can’t stand this anymore. How dare she accuse him of cheating?! He wants to break up with her. He had shut off his phone so he could end it without my drunk ass harassing him anymore. He finally did it.

I didn’t feel as good as I thought I would. I actually felt horrible. It was all my fault. They should have ended, they NEEDED to break up. But the fact that he gaslit her into thinking she was crazy for thinking he’d cheated.. It didn’t sit well with me. But I got what I wanted and I shouldn’t complain.

But D doesn’t want to date me. Not right away. He wants to take some time to be single. I am understanding. I don’t want to pressure him. But what is happening between us isn’t him being single. We start hanging out constantly and sleeping together. I’ve also met all of D’s friends and they are all understandably starting to think we are dating. But D demands that we not put labels on it. This causes me anxiety and insecurity, but I try to keep it in check.

But the fighting didn’t stop. It just got worse.

Here are the many various fights we had that I can recall:

1. D rubs two of his fingers under my nose when I get into his car. “Smell what I did last night!” Implying he had finger banged another girl. He had done it on multiple occasions, and once in front of his friends. They all burst out laughing. I tried not to cry in front of them. 

2. I tell him I’m upset that Christopher Hitchens, an atheist I admired, has died of cancer. D tells me he is glad he is dead. “Guess what? His body rotting in the ground because there is no heaven or hell, life is ultimately meaningless, so you have no reason to be sad.” 

3. D doesn’t like my dance teacher, because he is male. My dance teacher was… you’d have to be blind not to see how fucking hot he was. But I wasn’t interested in him. There was never going to ever be a thing with me and my dance teacher. But D is threatened anyway. He thinks I should fuck my dance teacher instead of him, that he is way better looking, and I should just abandon him. I spend hours trying to reassure D that it’ll never happen, but he doesn’t believe me.  

4. D compliments my vagina. Then he loses his fucking mind because I didn’t automatically tell him how amazing his dick is. He dishes out these compliments in an effort to get reassurance back and can’t handle when I don’t. He was trying to train me, but it only felt like he didn’t mean the original compliment. 

5. D asked me if he’s the biggest dick I’ve ever had. I couldn’t lie so I said “I don’t care about that stuff.” He lost his fucking mind. This was a fight he kept trying to rehash, 3-4 more times.  

6. D sucked at using his fingers.... I tried to give him tips to make it feel better for me and he lost his fucking mind about how my parts must be wrong, because everything he did was amazing and every girl he had done that to in the past loved it. I’ve ruined the night, and he wanted to go home. 

7. D told me he heard I was a slut. He recited a story that went around about me in the summer before he ever met me. I admitted to aspects of the story and told him my version of events, but that it didn’t make me a slut because I didn’t actually sleep with anyone. To be honest, the story is tame as fuck, but he still thinks it made me a huge slut. He is disgusted with me. He wished I was a virgin when he met me. 

8. D tells me he thinks God is real because he found his missing cross necklace in his sock. I make a joke about it not being miraculous enough, that it could have easily fallen into his sock in the wash, and he loses his fucking mind and thinks I’m ruining his belief system. I apologize profusely and try to drop the topic, but no, I’m a huge bitch for being honest. 

9. About 20 minutes into a car ride, he accused me of smoking weed in my car. He was very against weed, and even though I’d smoked a bowl maybe once in the last 3 months with some of my girlfriends, I’d never smoked it in my car, so him smelling it was either him gaslighting me, or us driving past a skunk or something. No matter what I said, he would not believe me.  

10. D tells me which of my friends he would fuck. He tells me which ones are the hottest, and which ones aren’t hot enough for him. This was always brought up when I would say anything about my friends, like if I’d hung out with them that weekend. “I’d totally fuck your friend ----.”  

11. One of his friends asks if me and D are dating. I tell him kind of, that we are seeing each other. I didn’t know how else to describe it because we didn’t have a label, but what we were doing was not at all what one would consider “being single.” He loses his shit on me because he thinks I’m going around telling everyone we are boyfriend and girlfriend, which isn’t at all what I told the friend. 

These are just the fights I can remember. I know.. How could you be with a guy who says this shit? 

I don’t know. All I know is, when things were good with him, I felt like the happiest woman on the planet. When D wasn’t pissed off at me, he was funny, and smart and fun. We shared the kind of laughter that would bring tears to your eyes. I felt like I knew him on a level that no one else had ever gotten to know. He was very vulnerable with me. He told me devastating things about his past. He confided in me and that made me feel like I wanted to keep him safe forever from anyone ever hurting him again. I saw how messed up he was. And this allowed me to excuse so much of his fucked up behaviours. I knew he was broken. I wanted to fix him. I KNOW. STUPID.  

I wish I can remember our good moments to be honest. It’s tough because all the bad stuff really overpowers my memory of the good. Let me think… 

One night when we went out dancing with friends, everything was going well from my memory, drinking, chatting, yadda yadda.. Then his sister is there. She is wasted and she’s pointing at me and spouting profanities. She wants to fight me. D sees this and he steps in and stops her. I’m scared because I had heard she’s been in fights before and beat the crap out of girls, but I’d never been in a fight so I knew I couldn’t defend myself. D grabs my hand and takes me out of the bar and we sit in his vehicle for the rest of the night, talking. I actually felt super safe with him in those moments, like he was going to protect me. I actually felt like he had my back, when he so easily could have taken her side. And even though that was a good memory for me, it was still based out of unnecessary drama I didn’t want.

Another good memory was Valentine’s Day. We weren’t officially dating but I still wanted him to be my valentine. It was just a dumb school day, nothing special, but at the end of the night, me, him and a buddy are in McDonalds. I tell him I have something for him. I give him a page full of goofy valentine puns with drawings, like “yoda one for me” and one with Gandalf... We both were nerds after all. He thought this was incredibly sweet. He felt really bad that he didn’t get me anything and bought me two McDoubles. As dumb as that was, it was a nice moment.

We once hooked up in a computer lab at 3 in the morning and someone walked in on us. That was hilarious. I got to laugh again the next week when a guy I used to have a massive crush on sat in the chair we’d done it in in class. (There will certainly be another blog about that one to come....) 

Honestly, I can’t think of too many more good moments... I think my brain has filtered a lot of them out. But I can think of 3 of our biggest fights, one being our last.  

The first one was when we stayed the night at his female friend’s apartment while she was away. He was watching her apartment and snuck me in so I could spend the night with him, rather than our usual hooking up in the backseats of our cars. We had a really good night and I felt like my love for him was really growing.  

We snuggled up close and just laid awake talking. Somehow we got onto a topic I had a lot of shame over. I got into a story about a sexual experience I had that went wrong. He did NOT like this story. He turned over in bed and wished me goodnight. He didn’t want to touch me. He left me lying there, awake, broken, and unwanted. I wanted to tell him everything, and confide in him truths about myself that would make me feel known by the person I’m with without judgment. But he was constantly judging me. I wasn’t good enough for this guy. Everything about my sexual history made him disgusted with me. I laid there, awake, heartbroken. I couldn’t sleep because all I wanted to do was cry. Hours had gone and D is out, fully asleep, refusing to touch me. I couldn’t deal with it anymore. I got up, got dressed and started to leave.

But I couldn’t leave. I stood in the doorway of this apartment, just standing. I couldn’t move. All I wanted, desperately, was for him to wake up and stop me. I wanted him to get up, come after me and tell me he doesn’t care, that he was wrong for judging me, and to come back to bed and hold me. Tell me he was sorry for being so insecure and try to work on it. Tell me he doesn’t care about my past because it doesn’t fucking matter, all the matters is the present and how I feel about him. 

I stood there for 30 minutes. There is a cat. I pet the cat. And just stood there. Immobile. I didn’t know how to leave. If I left, I may never come back and I wasn’t ready to abandon him. 

He finally woke up, and when he came out of the bedroom, he looked shocked to see me there. 

I told him I tried to leave but I couldn’t. He doesn’t think this is sweet. He is still so disgusted with me. He finds my desperate attempt to hold on pathetic. But we ended up sitting at the kitchen table until the sun rose, and I bawled my eyes out, trying to get him to understand how much I care about him and how much he’s been hurting me just for being who I am. He was very good at making me feel like I was victimizing him. That I was the one who is breaking his heart because I was such a slut and he couldn’t deal with that. It was all just so bad. But eventually, we came to a conclusion to give this thing another chance. We used the words “start over.”  

2nd most memorable fight… I was at the year end party at the University. I was drunk, dancing around and partying with my friends. It was a fun day. Everything was going great.  

Then D showed up with his friends. He didn’t really come find me, just texted me that he was there. I went to look for him and found him waiting in line for drinks. He was being standoffish towards me. I sensed that he is being this way because there was a girl in his friend group who really liked him there. He expressed that he would totally fuck her but didn’t find her attractive. He had always thought this was reassuring to me somehow, but obviously it wasn’t. I wondered if he was trying to keep me from being sweet with him because he didn’t want to upset her, even though she knew about us and shouldn’t care, and had never cared before in any obvious way.

We were teasing each other, and then finally, I reached up to give him a kiss, but... he rejected me. He pulled his face away from mine and wouldn’t even make eye contact with me. It was like I was a little yippy annoying dog that he wanted to bugger off. I just stood there, staring at him, hurt, offended, shocked. I just stared. He looked at me like “What?” Dumbfounded. I couldn’t do this right now. So I fucked off. 

I couldn’t believe he rejected me. It felt like a stab in the chest. I looked for my friends in the crowd. I told them what happened but they tell me to forget about him. At this point, all my friends hate D. They have heard enough stories about our fighting that they all couldn’t stand him and wanted me to ditch him. I danced with them for a half an hour, and don’t look for D. I was hoping to spend the rest of the party not worrying about him, but the outdoor party dissipates shortly after that and it’s time for afterparties now. I found D standing with his friends, not looking for me or worried about me at all. 

We made eye contact and he tried to come talk to me, but I dismissed him. I was so angry. I was very very wasted at this point, so my memory of this fight isn’t very clear. But what I do remember is that the entire remainder of the party stopped to watch a screaming match between the two of us. We literally caused a scene. And I remembered screaming “fuck you!” at the top of my lungs at him.  

My friend took me back to her apartment. I curled up on the floor of her bathroom bawling my eyes out. She had my phone and she told me D called and was coming to get me. I was kind of surprised she would have him come get me, because clearly I was in distress and he was the problem, but she wanted us to resolve what’s going on, and also, she just wanted me to stop sobbing in her bathroom so she could go out and keep partying. 

D came and got me, and I was a mess. We had a normal, quiet conversation now, for once, which was unusual for us, but I think talking with my friend on the phone made him realize he couldn’t just yell at me this time to get his point across. He told me he was so embarrassed that everyone saw that, and he went and lit a cigarette when he was trying to quit, which he blames on me. He also blamed quitting on me because I didn’t really like it, but I had never asked him to quit in the first place... Bah! This guy was such a fucking victim. 

That fight somehow ended amicably because he said he didn’t realize I was trying to kiss him. Whatever. I let him have this one even though I didn’t really believe him.  

THEN, our final blow up fight was our last day of being whatever we were… Friends with all the girlfriend benefits. I was excited because it was a beautiful spring day and I asked him to take me for a ride on his motorcycle. He showed up and we got to talking for some reason. Thankfully no one was home. 

We SHOULD have been going for a ride, but for some reason, D, had this look on his face like he’d been preparing for something. He was being cheeky as fuck, smiling and started pushing another fight about atheism again. He went into this super nihilistic hate speech about how the whole world is meaningless, and that if he wanted to, he could start shooting people and he would have no consequences. I told him this is so wrong because real life has consequences. It went into this fucking absurdist discussion where he just undermined everything I said to get to this really joyless argument about how what I believed(or don’t believed) is just such a miserable way to think about the world. It got to the point where I was sobbing because I couldn’t win with him. He just constantly said things to hurt me, because deep down, he knew I was right, but he didn’t want me to be right because me being right meant he’d be wrong all along and that was just unacceptable to him.

Then finally, after this stretched out, painful, unbearable 2 hour argument… He said... 

“I actually agree with everything you just said. I just wanted to prove to you that all we do is argue.”

My jaw dropped. Are you. Fucking. Kidding me….  

“You came here just to show me all we do is argue? We were supposed to have a fun day and you just wanted to sabotage the whole thing?!”

It was unbelievable. He wanted to ruin everything. He wanted me to make it so hard for me to stay with him that leaving him would be MY idea instead of his. This was a guy who would tell me I was too quick to abandon people. And here he was, trying to get me to leave him so he didn’t have to do it himself. He was pushing my buttons until I would explode to prove a point that we shouldn’t be together.

He told me he wants to just be friends. At least for now, and take a break from each other. Just till we get back to a better place where we can have a conversation without it turning into a blow up. I’m surprised he would say that since “being friends” is apparently what he thinks we’ve been doing this whole time. He left, and I was dumbfounded and disgusted with this guy. Being friends felt like something we weren’t really capable of… 

Two weeks went by, and I haven’t spoken to him. It was clear he’d already moved on and honestly, a huge weight was lifted. I felt like I didn’t need to walk on eggshells around anyone anymore and I didn’t have to live in fear that I was going to piss anyone off. My friends were all really happy about this too. They didn’t want me to go back to him ever again.

I was hanging out with a big group of girlfriends. One girlfriend mentioned that her friend A has a new boyfriend, D. Super casually.. Then everyone looked at me. It was MY D. They all had known already, except for me. 

“Oh, I thought you knew.” 

I shook my head. “No…” 

I was dying inside. He had already found someone new. My body was lit on fire. I hated him. He was the worst person I’d ever met. 

I couldn’t go out now. I was ill. I went home and wrote him the nastiest message ever. What had hurt me the most was that after 7 months of us being whatever the hell we were with no label because he was so against it, he was now accepting the label of “boyfriend” from this new girl he literally met two weeks before. It was so offensive to me. Like everything he ever said before was a complete lie.  

His excuse was that he didn’t know she was calling him her boyfriend. I ask him if he was going to tell her to cut it out. He said no, he kinda liked it.

I was done. I said there was no way in hell we were ever going to be friends after everything he put me through only to just cheapen it by immediately getting into a relationship with some new girl who he just met after everything we’d been through. I knew he only just met her because he met her at the new job he started working at, which happened to be in the same hotel as the restaurant I was working at. I saw her and him walking by together and flirting when we were still seeing each other and I knew. I just knew.

Shortly, after that is where everything in the DAY 10 blog ties in. The MMA guy. If you haven’t read that blog, read it first.

While I was seeing MMA guy, D decided to message me and apologize, which was a month later. He knew it was awful for him to lie to me, to push all those arguments on me, and then to get into a relationship so soon after me. To be quite honest, I didn’t even care anymore. I was so smitten by MMA guy at that point and saw something so special in him, that everything that happened with D just rolled right off my shoulder. It was this feeling like.. “Yeah, whatever D. I’m busy.”

He asked how my life is going. I told him the truth, because I didn’t really care if this would have hurt his feelings. I told him I started developing feelings for someone else who was in a relationship, and didn’t know what to do about it. I asked if D had any advice for me since it looked a lot like what me and D had when we started…  

He lost it. He was pissed. He couldn’t believe how fast I moved on from him. HILARIOUS. He basically called me out for the same exact thing he did to me. He called me a hypocrite when it was so abundantly clear that he was the bigger, douchier hypocrite for not realizing how hurtful it would be to move on from each other in less than a month. It was like “yeah, hurts doesn’t it?” 

He was only interested in messaging me again because him and his short-lived girlfriend broke up. Guess why? She cheated on him with some dude in Vegas. I laughed. It was so karmically satisfying. He called her all kinds of names but couldn’t see the irony in the fact that he had done the EXACT SAME CRUELTY to other women. Fucking idiot. I wanted to high five the girl, honestly. 

D could grovel to me, but I didn’t want anything to do with him. He was so toxic. He had a lot of growing to do and I wasn’t willing to stick around and try to help him fix it. I had my own shit to work on and become a better person. I didn’t like who I was when I was with D. I was emotional all the time. I was constantly walking on eggshells, afraid to set off the bomb that was D’s fragile entitled white male ego. Before D, I’d never yelled at anyone except my own mom (typical teenager). And I was ashamed of what I’d become, because I never wanted to be a person who felt like she had to scream to get her point across. It never felt good and I never felt heard in the end. But at the time, it was just the only way I could get a word in when he was lecturing me. D brought out the absolute worst in me.  

What D couldn’t take away from me was my sexual confidence. I was never once ashamed of my sexual history. Why should I be? We don’t live in colonialist fucking England, like who fucking cares?! His insecurity overpowered our connection. D did not respect women. He categorized them into two categories, virgins and sluts. He wanted to mould me into his little virgin, but I just wasn’t malleable. I could not be tamed. And my past repulsed him, and he did very little to try to see that that wasn’t my problem, but his. Why I ever thought I’d want to be with someone who felt like they had to “get over” my past is insane to me now.  

I constantly challenged him for thinking the way he did. And because he couldn’t see my point of view, he couldn’t imagine how I could possibly both respect myself and sleep with the number of people I had. But of course, he was a hypocrite about it because he didn’t feel like the same insane rules he applied to women applied to him. That the women he dates should only want to fuck him, but that he was going to want to fuck whoever he wanted. The narcissism was astounding. The entitlement, baffling.  

I unfortunately had to endure being in a couple of classes with him for another year. We interacted very little if at all, and avoided eye contact. If we had to talk to each other, it was class related and lasted no more than 5 seconds. D knew to stay away from me. He kept his distance, but I could tell he was just waiting for me to give in. I didn’t. I wouldn’t. For a year and a half. 

There is a lot more to this story, it doesn’t end here. But this post is long enough! Part 2 will come soon!