DAY 112

So I have a confession to make, and based on the fact that I’ve talked shit about this when dudes do it, I’m considering giving it a try… Zombieing. After reminiscing about this really cool guy I went on a couple dates with over a year ago and completely fucking it up, I’ve thought about reaching out to him again someday. I may not do it at all, but since it’s on my mind, I had considered what I would say to him if I did. So I figure, what better spot to try writing this out than my blog. I may not send it ever, and chicken out. But I’ve thought about it enough times at this point that I can’t ignore how I’m feeling about it anymore. 

I’ve talked about him before on the blog. And I’ve seen him out and about several times, and on other dating apps since we didn’t work out. FUCK. I wish I was in a better spot in life when I met him, but I just wasn’t. It was bad timing. It’s likely a guy that cool would be in a relationship now. He was such a good guy, someone would have locked him down by now, surely. But I do think he was a bad picker when it came to girls. But hey, so am I!  

I may feel differently when the time comes to send it, which, if I go by the rules of my own challenge, won’t be for another 8 months...  But here goes:

Hey hot bearded guy,

It’s been a long while, and maybe you don’t remember me, but I have thought about you a bit over the last year, which I know is weird, since we only went on like 3 dates, so this probably seems totally out of nowhere. But when I remember all the dates I’d been on in the last few years, the ones with you stand out the most. I felt we had genuine chemistry, things were just so comfortable right off the bat and our conversations were really engaging. We agreed on a ton of the same values and not gonna lie, you gave me one of the best first kisses I’ve ever had.
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I’m not going to assume you’re available or even going to be remotely interested in me again, but I at least wanted to acknowledge some things, even though this is SO late coming. And the reason it is so late is because I actually have been on a dating hiatus for quite some time and focussing on fixing the things in my life that needed work. Basically I just didn’t want to message you again while I still had a load of baggage to deal with. I wasn't really in the best mindset to be dating at the time, considering I was in a poly long distance relationship that was complicated and frustrating, and I hated my job so much that I would come home crying everyday. I just wanted a nice distraction. When we saw each other, I really did have an amazing time with you that I was able to forget, temporarily, about the mess my life was, cause you were so fucking cool and fun. But on our last date when I was considering the possibility of us sleeping together, I was worried about my boyfriend’s feelings at the time since he’d expressed a lot of fear of abandonment from me, so it was holding me back from actually letting you in. I basically clammed up and felt too overwhelmed, even though I’d wanted to so badly all the days leading up to it. Then after that night, you messaged me, and I ghosted you because I felt your message was pretty final, and I agreed with you completely at the time that it wasn’t working. But I still kick myself for ghosting you because I don’t think its very kind or mature, especially with someone who I think deserves better. You deserved an explanation as to why I seemed so excited about you before and then became so distant once we actually hung out. I don’t think we were still communicating when this happened but, I got let go from the job I hated shortly after we stopped talking, and I broke up with my boyfriend a month later because I could barely deal with my own emotions, let alone his. I was unemployed for 6 months and it was a fucking nightmare. But now that I’ve gotten my shit together and have been working at an amazing job for almost a year, I’ve been reflecting on all the good things that happened and I felt like you were one of them.

BUT, I don’t have any expectations here, I guess I just wanted to see if there was a sliver of a chance that you were open to starting over. And even if not, maybe we could just catch up in messages and nothing more than that. I dunno! I actually saw a friend of mine match with you on Hinge a long while ago and I really encouraged her to go for you. She didn’t because she is a really tall girl and prefers taller guys, but I was like “nooo, get over it, he’s worth it!” I thought that highly of you. Then she said “well if he’s so great, why don’t you go for him again?” And I kinda just felt like that shipped had sailed. But maybe it hasn’t...?

ALSO, I want to clarify that I’m not doing this now because it’s almost valentine’s day and I'm looking for a valentine. GOD, no! I sound defensive here but like... it really is purely a coincidence that this happens to coincide with the most unromantic day of the year.

If nothing else, I hope you feel incredibly flattered. I consider the version of you I met back in 2017 to still be an extremely dateable, attractive, amazing guy. Okay, well, that’s all I have to say!

Bye!

I write loooong messages. I never want to miss out on a point, and I always have a lot of things to say! I may not send this but after reading it, I think I will. I don’t even wanna wait till the end of my challenge. FUCK. I wanna send it now because it’s in my head now, but I know it’s just my lady bits that are screaming to send it now. But if I have to be honest, I don't think he'd want to give me another chance. He was REEALLY into me, like a lot. Even on our second date, like... He was so affectionate, and looked at me like I was a goddess. It was so hot. So maybe then... he might wanna see me again, if he's single.

And what then?! Do I scrap this challenge and give it a go? I actually think a guy like him is worth it. I dunno. I’m gonna spend time really thinking about this. I don’t wanna do it before Valentine’s Day, or even close afterwards in case he thinks I’m just lonely and desperate because of Valentine's Day. That's just sad and not cute.

The main thing I’ve learned over the last bit of the challenge is realizing WHO is a good match for me. And this guy was. He was attractive, smart, doesn’t want kids, talented, artistic, tattooed, confident, self-assured, has ambitions and goals, dresses well, has his shit together, is a feminist, and respects consent. He literally asked to kiss me, and he's this broad shouldered man... My weakness. I'm biting my lip right now! He was even open to polyamory, and sexually adventurous is which so important to me, because I don't want to settle with vanilla sex for the rest of my life. But I would want to take things really slow with this guy, and see if what we had over those few dates was legit or not. What if I was feeling skeptical of him because I wasn’t feeling it, and it wasn’t just my ex? I don’t know. It’s hard to remember now. But those first two dates we had were actually so awesome, I went home just blushing and giggling cause I hadn't felt that way in a while.

Another thing I want to mention... I made a potential plan to hang out with my friend group crush and I’m starting to freak that I might break my challenge if I do. I don’t know! Again, the lady bits are raging hard right now. But my mind is like “Hey! Fanny! It’s a bad time of the year to feel alone but keep going! You can do it!” Fuck Valentine’s day. NO CLAWING AT DICKS IN OR AROUND VALENTINE’S DAY.

God, I’m so screwed. This challenge is actually starting to be challenging. I’m starting to wonder if I should change the rules. Maybe it’s just no dating apps, and taking things reeeeeeeally fucking slow. Many, many months of dating before you even consider a title, you know? I don’t know. Just had to get these thoughts off my chest. Blaaah.