DAY 114

So after my last blog, I realized, I don’t even remember the dude’s last name or how I could possibly message him because I unfollowed his Instagram a long time ago and can’t find it. So I tried to hunt down any of his social media. It took much longer than I hoped and I ended up looking up his job, which I’d forgotten but remembered was on the same street as my own job, because we used to walk past each other when I lived at my old apartment and I would die internally every time I saw him, of awkward. I literally bought sunglasses for the sole purpose of hiding my eyes from him the next time we walked past each other. I wanted to make sure if I stared at him, he wouldn’t notice and eventually I just walked down a different avenue to avoid him when possible because I couldn't deal with the awkward. So, looking for his workplace, I’d zoomed in in Google maps, hunted it down, and found the work website with his full name and picture on it, I felt deeply uncomfortable with what I’d just done. It felt... invasive and inappropriate. I’ve watched the tv show “You” about creepy stalking Penn Badgely and it was so cringey and nightmarish that I had to watch interviews with the actor talking about the character so I could remember that’s not really him. But here I am, internet stalking a person who by all accounts doesn’t give a fuck about my existence just so I can look up his full name on Facebook... it’s just a bad feeling. I don’t like doing that sort of thing. But I wanted to make sure that he A. Still lives here and B. Isn’t in a relationship before I messaged him. I learned next to nothing except that he still lives here so he’s done a good job hiding his personal information from the internet.
Once I found his Facebook, and knew I had a spot to contact him if I was going to send him the message. Then when I went to sleep, I had an unsettling dream that he was married and had an Instagram account dedicated to his love for his wife. It was this overtly sexual-looking account, with her legs wrapped around his head and his face buried in her crotch, on their wedding day, like that was a wedding photo. I was like... isn’t this porn?! What even?! And suddenly, I was this longing weirdo, messaging and trying to intrude on that. I’m pretty sure he’s not actually married, doesn’t seem like his style to do that so quickly since I’d seen him single on dating apps not so long ago. But he could be in a relationship and I feel uncomfortable sending something like that to someone who is taken. I don’t want to expose myself to someone who is guaranteed to reject me and quite possibly laugh at it with his girlfriend like “oh, how cute and sad!”

Ugh. So I’m probably not going to send it, I don’t think. I’ve given myself enough time to really sit on the concept and it seems even more stupid now than it did when I wrote it. There’s two ways someone can be perceived when you reach out to them, and it’s cute, or it’s creepy. I think I started out thinking I was being cute and my internet creeping and dream last night made me feel soooo creepy.

I don’t know what really came over me with this either. Like, I’m trying to focus on me but I’m having these hormone fluctuations that are like begging me to find someone to play with and it’s difficult to ignore. It makes me wonder how people who have chosen celibacy for life are able to control those feelings. And I watch women who go on dry spells and end up dropping all their standards and pick the next available genitals of choice to bone without considering who they’re attached to. That’s possible that’s what I’m doing. But I do think the standards are high here. I can’t think of any other particular guys I’d reach out to besides him. Maybe it’s the strange of it. That sleeping with him is such a mystery to me, and that’s what’s making me feel compelled to reach out to him while I’m like... TRYING to do this self love thing. But self loving isn’t enough for me right now. I think I’m just heavily bored and so curious. February is such a shit month for being single because you’re reminded of your singleness in every store, on every social media app, and by the people in your life.

I don’t think this guy is a poor choice at all but he’s certainly not a readily available easy choice and it can really look like I hadn’t found anyone better up until that point, so I’m trying out someone who had shown a genuine interest previously. And I also think about how romantic movies and tv shows make the idea of doing something like reaching out to an old flame to be so sweet. But real life can look a bit more strange and quite possibly humiliating.

I remembered that episode of How I met your mother, when Ted decides to reach out to a girl he dumped on her birthday cause he just wasn’t feeling it. And they end up dating again and he decides, that again, he’s not feeling it. Then he gets beat up. What if this is like that? What if I do try again with this guy and it’s like “actually? Sorry, I was right the first time and we shouldn’t do this. What a huge waste of time you are!” That’s sooo much worse! I’m such a Ted Mosby. Everyone talks about how much they hate Ted, but I AM TED. I’m romantic and creepy and stupid about love and make poor, awkward choices. I will probably be single well into my thirties, if I keep being a Ted. You know?

You know what? Maybe I’m being too hard on myself. I could use a second opinion. Because it’s not like I didn’t already know where he worked, he took me there on our second date. I can’t compare myself the the murdering psychopath in “You” cause the dude felt entitled to that girl. I don’t feel entitled to him at all. I’m offering him a chance to say yes or no and willing to accept rejection. So like... no. The dream sequence was just my fears playing out in a worst case scenario and not a true reflection of me being a crazy person. I think I’m just playing this self-deprecating script I always do because it’s easier to be self-deprecating than it is to be confident in your choices. You can be like “haha, oh, sorry I’m weird and awkward, please ignore me and forget this ever happened...” Or you can be like “I made a conscious choice here and I feel strongly about it, and I’ll accept whatever comes next.” I need to train myself to think more like a confident adult who takes responsibility of her choices than to be a person who shits on her own emotions and limits herself from trying things because she’s afraid of how she will be perceived. If he has a girlfriend, cool! I didn’t know, how could I? I didn’t find anything to indicate that.

Okay... Still thinking on it. It terrifies and excites me to think of actually hitting send on a message like that, but that's where life happens.. In your discomfort zone. Bye.

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Update later today.

Okay, now that the dream is out of my head, I’m thinking I should send the message. It’s weird, but it’s just this intuitive feeling like... I really wanna do this and just see. But I’m also a bit high on edibles right now and it’s late... I should wait till I’m sober again before doing so. And I thought if I sent it before this whole thing is up, that I would at least wait till after valentine’s day. So maybe... but I watched a horoscope video tonight for Libra and it’s saying to go for it. I know astrology can be silly but this feels like a sign to push myself into the direction that my mind, heart, and lady bits are all proding me to go. I really feel ready for this and maybe that's what this challenge was about. Getting me ready for the right kind of guy.

And what could go wrong? Honestly? If he’s as nice a guy as I felt he was, he would be really cool about it regardless of his availability. If he’s gonna be a douche, then fuck him! Honestly. You regret the chances you don’t take, right? And what if he is taken? At least then I have an answer and don’t have to wonder. Or maybe he will want to be friends? Maybe he’s adopted polyamory? Like... anything is possible.

But I’ll wait till tomorrow morning, or evening. Don’t do big moves while high. This is a big move. Even though you have the message and you can just copy paste it... it’s pretty perfect! Ahhh!!!

Do it for the blog? About to cross my own rules here but fuck it. My friend told me to go with the flow, which, in the case, is the inexplicable desire to not wait. Send it now because what if 8 months from now is too late? What if he is married by then and has an Instagram dedicated to him and his wife's wedding porn?

I’ll decide tomorrow. But I think I might have already decided... WISH ME LUCK.